Around the Block One Too Many Times

Last night, in a fit of loneliness, I signed up for Plenty of Fish. The emails started pouring in after just 7 minutes ... Alert: Fresh Meat! But is it really?

Last November I blogged about a date with a guy "S" who was really nice but not for me. Since he was nice, I refrained from shredding him about the fact that all he could manage to talk about was how good-looking he used to be (he was blessed with movie star good looks, too pretty for moi) and Jesus.

I just received this:

"I Like your profile and think your [sic] an attractive woman." 

... so I took a peek at his profile. It was the same guy, same photos and all! So I wrote back to him and asked if we'd met before (knowing full well we had) and he said I must be CONFUSED!

And here I thought meeting me was a memorable occasion ...

My First Second Date

Although I wasn't really that into "D" 47 (you know, the one that let me walk home in the dead of winter), I accepted his invitation for a second date. I thought maybe I'd judged him too harshly (I do that once in awhile) and that perhaps he'd grow on me. I was so, so wrong!

"D" and I agreed to meet in front of a restaurant at 7:30. I arrived right on time, "D" was nowhere in sight. After a few minutes, he came trotting out of the restaurant, saying that he couldn't wait any longer (for what??). I thought maybe I'd misunderstood the time, but no, he just really wanted to start drinking! I sat down and put my hands on the table, he immediately grabbed one and starting kissing it. In public! While people were trying to eat! I wanted to vomit, and use my hand sanitizer. F'ing gross ...

"D" was already slurring his words a bit when I arrived, and he was very, very loud. So loud that people were staring at us. I tried to tell "D" about the horrible day I'd had, and how a client I'd known for years tried to con me into being part of a Madoff-esque scam, but he brushed me off and started talking about himself. I know I come off as a little selfish, but I really don't mind listening ... that is when the person speaking is sober and making sense!

We ordered an appetizer and dinner ... when the waitress dropped off the appetizer and began to walk away, he called her back and asked her if she was going to take our dinner order ... I looked at her, she looked at me ... I think I saw the pity in her eyes, and I'm sure she saw the horror in mine.

During dinner, "D" made a pretty big deal about the fact that I don't care for talking on the phone. Funny "D", I'll talk on the phone for hours with people that I like! He also shared all sorts of personal information, including the fact that he doesn't have too much hair on his back (newsflash buddy, any is too much) and that he has a "nice" chest ... he did have a nice chest, if you happen to get turned on by man boobs.

I wanted to ditch "D" right after dinner, but he didn't seem ready to give up on me. As I stood up to leave, he starting aiming his finger toward my "special area" and said "I like that." I was like, "Excuse me?!" So he proceeded to poke me in the thigh on a distressed patch on my jeans, about 3" from said "special area." Speechless, I took off in the direction of the bar to meet up with some friends. As we walked to the bar, "D" kept reaching his hand out to take mine ... but I kept my hands firmly in my pockets and pretended not to see. Cruel, I know ... but eeeeew.

Upon arrival, "D" immediately secured the first of many many drinks. I sat down, and he got behind me and started rubbing my arms and neck in a most repulsive way. I told him that I wasn't comfortable being touched by someone that I didn't really know very well, and he told me I was "weird." Whatever, maybe my parents didn't pick me up enough when I was little, but we all have our things, and calling me weird is no way to get points (or sex for that matter).

Over the next couple of hours, "D" made a game of touching me and then pulling his hand away and saying, "Oh, sorry!" until I wanted to rip his pokey finger off and shove it down his throat. My friends were shocked that I was even standing next to him, and one came up with an elaborate plan to ditch him. After about 5 beers, "D" was pretty hammered. I could barely understand him, but I did manage to hear him utter, "Would it be OK if I gave you a kiss?" After I stopped gagging, I told him that I don't kiss people I barely know. He persisted  bit, until a girlfriend saw my distress and begged me to accompany her to the ladies room.

After I rejected "D" advances, he stopped speaking to me (maybe there is a God?) and grabbed his things and vanished. I did a happy dance, my friends toasted me on my lucky break and all was fine ... until he reappeared, fresh beer in hand. Thankfully, he chugged it down at record speed and left for good.

This experience has left me convinced that the only men in their 40s who are still single and child-free have something terribly, horribly wrong with them. My 3 month Match.com membership expires today, and I won't be renewing it. As much as I've enjoyed sharing my stories, dealing with these losers has left me more bitter and jaded than I was when I started this project.

So I'm going to open this blog up to you, my loyal followers. If you have a dating or relationship horror story you'd like to share, email it to me at datinghorrorstories@gmail.com and I'll post it here!

It's been fun Bitches! Don't miss me too much!

--Lucy Love

Oprah, tell me what to do!

Last night I met a new prospect "D" 47 for a drink. After watching the Oprah episode about the very choosy 40-something year old woman who was trying to find a man, I decided that if I'm going to find love, I may need to relax my standards a little.

So I strapped on my black boots and tried my best not to nitpick poor "D" to death ... but I did notice a few things:

When I walked in, I nearly crashed straight into a good male friend ... so I stopped for a quick chat. "D" was quick to make a crack about me talking to another guy. And when "D" realized I knew a few people at the bar, he said he was ready to go, but I was "welcome to stay" ... hmmmm.

"D" also managed to bring up his ex's in conversation more times that I cared to count.

I only had one drink, and he didn't even make an offer to pay for it.

Although it was a very cold night and "D" knew full well that I'd walked to the restaurant (and I don't live in the greatest of neighborhoods), he didn't offer me a ride home.

Don't get me wrong, "D" had good qualities ... he was interesting, artistic, and he liked my boots. But is that enough? So my dear readers, I ask you, am I being too picky ... or is this the norm in today's dating world?

Meet Wiggies

Yesterday I got a "wink" from "wiggies" 42 ... I chose to ignore it, because for some reason, the word "wiggies" makes my skin crawl. Evidently, "wiggies" doesn't give up easily, because I just received this charming email ... it was entitled "me" so I guess it's all about "wiggies"! [I guess "wiggies" didn't get the memo that it's all about the GIRL]:

"I am a good hearted person"

Well then, what more do I need to know? Someone call the preacher! Here's a pic of "wiggies" ... Can someone please explain the wreath?:

On a brighter note, tomorrow is my last day on eHarmony.com! After not having more than one so-called "match" per week, all of a sudden today I had three! Obviously a last ditch effort on their part to continue taking my money. But in the interest of keeping the blog fresh, I checked them out ... but as usual, they were all too old, too plump, lived too far away and had too many children! So people I implore you, no matter how lonely you may get ... and no matter how happy the couples in the commercial look ... never EVER give eHarmony.com a penny of your hard-earned money! I am stepping down from my soapbox now ...

Happy New Year (Well, maybe for you it is ...)

Here I am on the last day of 2009, just 2 days shy of my 41st birthday, with a full inbox ... but no date for New Year's Eve!

I think my favorite suitor of the day would have to be "R"43. As you can see, "R" made sure to include a profile pic of himself and ... you guessed it, a woman! Yay!

His email to me was this:

"Hello gorgeous! I would like to get to know you. Whats your name?"

Wow "R", that's deep. So I checked out his profile. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"I'm looking for a slender [see, he's VERY deep!!!], classy/sexy woman, who likes to go out on nice dates for dinner, drinks, and dancing [ech ...]. I have nice clothes [that purple shirt proves it]  and I like to get dressed up when I go out."

"I love my red truck" [I think a 4 year old told me that very same thing last week!]

"I like to see all the hot new items at the mall and Home Depot."

I bet the broad in the photo told him to include this part:

"I like to go for long walks on the beach. I like art museums and theater. I like to see the sun rise and set. I like to go for bicycle and motorcycle rides. Fairs."

And just to make sure potential "LTR" candidates can see how cool and athletic "R" is, he included these:

My my, very impressive ... I wonder which stock image site he illegally copied those from.

Because I'm feeling a little feisty this morning, I emailed "R" back ... and asked him why on earth he would be on a dating site and have a profile photo of himself with another woman. I can't wait to read his response ... I'm slightly giddy with anticipation!!!!!

Monday's Horrors

It's a busy day here in dating hell ... I guess no one wants to be alone for New Year's, but after dealing with some of these losers, I think perhaps I'll be fine! Read on ...

"D" 36 writes:

"sexy

do u play with younger men?:)"

Wow, right to the point there "D" ... um, not when their profile photo is a dude wearing a visor. Lame ...

I have also sparked the interest of "H" 47 ... so I took a peek at his profile, where among pictures of him and his camper, I came across this little gem:

"not to big on going out all time vacation in maine sometimes always wanted to go too florida havent yet enjoy gonig out to eat chinese or wherever makes someone happy very flexable"

WTF! Can someone please translate???? And what is that growing out of his head???

Finally, we have this from "B" 47:

"I PROMISE

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MORE FUN MEETING A REAL NICE GUY SEARCHIN FOR THE REAL THING"

Actually, I think I will have more fun getting a PAP smear. And why is he YELLING at me??????

Monday Freakshow

It's a busy day on Match.com ... here are a few highlights:

First we have "B" 44 whose email started off with "Howdy" ... who says "Howdy"?????? I looked at his profile, and learned that almost all of his favorite things are meats, and he's into PDAs ... I'm a vegan and only think PDAs are cute when the couples are 16 or 86 ... he also requested not to be contacted by anyone in rehab or on parole ... interesting. So in answer to "B"s question "How was your weekend?" I replied "It was nice, I had a lovely visit with my parole officer." Wonder if he'll get the joke?

I got kind of an odd message from "M" 48 ... he'd written before and seems like a nice enough person, but I just don't find him attractive at all (I know, mean, but I can't help it!). His last email wasn't worth responding to, so I didn't ... and today I get this: "Last call ...drink'em up" What does that even mean??????

Next we have "D" 38. He winked at me, I read his profile and he seemed normal enough, so I winked back ... and he quickly responded with this little grammatical nightmare "hey there! how are you? hows is match treating you?" His profile page lists his job as "Starting over." Hopefully he's not starting over as an English teacher.

Finally, "J" 46 sent me an email titled "The Sound of One Hand Clapping" ... his message included this: "Is there a place in Middletown to do your Latin Freestyle dancing?" Ack, unpleasant flashbacks to my eHarmony date that wanted a woman to swing dance with. Sorry "J", clapping isn't the only thing that your one hand will be doing tonight!

Date #3!

Against my better judgment, I accepted an offer for a date with "E" 46 (The "Sweet Angel" Guy). We'd talked on the phone a couple of times, and despite his sappy profile, he sounded like a decent, hardworking guy ... he's self-employed, has one child and one dog, is about to be divorced and wants to be friends before anything else ...

"E" had told me ahead of time that he wasn't going to make any special effort in his pre-date preparations ... he wanted me to see him at his worst, and he figured if I liked that, I'd really like him dressed up! He didn't disappoint ... he was wearing a baseball cap and gym shoes ... but I still found him to be a pretty attractive specimen and I'm sure he'd clean up very nicely!

The first few minutes were a little uncomfortable ... I zipped my scarf into my boot and "E" has issues with his car lights ... but after that things were fine. "E" was even understanding when I sent my dinner to be remade after it arrived covered in meat ... usually men are embarrassed when I do that, so bonus points for "E".

Our date was cut short when one of "E"s employees called him with an emergency (or was it a set up to rescue him from a bad date? Hmmmmm ... ) but he did ask me if I'd like to go out again, and to my surprise (he has a kid AND a dog after all), I said Yes. If it doesn't work out, there's always this guy:

"P" 43 writes:

u
r
p-retty---------

Ummmm, ok ... why do I find that soooo creepy??????

The Poet

This has been a busy week ... my inbox has been filled with emails from so many wonderful potentials! Here's one that stands out from the rest. "T" 51 has a poem as the intro to his profile ... who doesn't love a sensitive poet?

 "The Swan I watch you in the distance but you don't see me then our eyes meet you smile and look away Your face lovlier then a white orchid blooming body curvy and voluptuous [you got the wrong girl there chief!) under your silky bridal [bridal???? oh no ...] dress You disappear in the sunlight of the shimmering water I cry out your name but you don't here [here???] me dive [why do they all like swimmers????] in the water and swim after you beholding me you spread your wings wrap your neck around mine and pull me into the milky body of your plumage Happily we hold hands and swim away [or more likely, drown]."

What ever happened to real men ... you know, the kind whose poems start with "There once was a girl from Nantucket ..."?????

Ugh ...

OK Bitches, I'll keep this one short and sweet because I'm tired and I want to go to bed ... but during my last email check of the day, I came across "D" 46, who would like to call me ... at least that's what I think he was trying to say ... the grammar was atrocious ... oooh, did I spell that right? ;-)

Anyway, I have three things to say:

1) 2 Kids
2) 1 Dog
3) NASCAR

So obviously there IS a God, it's a male, and for some reason it's punishing me ...

Where Have All the Real Men Gone?

I've gotten a couple of slightly amusing emails from "E" 46, so I finally decided I should take a peek at his profile ... to my horror, here are a few quotes:

"E" starts off with this: "TO MY SWEET ANGEL, I've been searching for you my entire life."

Then why, oh why, is he writing to ME???? Sweet? Angel?????? Help me ...

He goes on to say a bunch more sappy things, like "although we have never met I hold you dear in my heart", "if you are tired, you'll rest your weary head on my shoulders" and my personal fav "when that day comes if you are sad I will dry your tears"

Seriously, when did all the men start acting like the kind of women I love to hate? I feel like if I date one of these guys, our "cycles" will sync up and we'll spend 4 days per month crying at nothing and eating chocolate together ...

Round 2

Just back from having a drink with "S" 44 who I met on match.com. Oddly, I can't really come up with anything bad to say about him ... he was actually better looking than his photo, and tall too!

That said, I'm pretty certain he'll not contact me again ... but if nothing else, "S" gives me hope that there still are a few single, attractive, child-free men left in the world.

Why look what just came in ... a response to the thank-you email I sent "S" after our date:

"I also raelly [sic] enjoyed talking to you as you seem to be a nice sensible mature woman."

Mature? Oh no, he did not!

I've Discoved the Block Button

Oh my goodness there are some truly disturbed people in the world, and I have had the misfortune of dealing with several of them.

Take for example, "y" 40 ... he doesn't like girls who wear makeup ... and gee whiz, I happen to f-ing LOVE makeup ... so I ignored his little wink. In Match land, ignoring a wink only makes them try harder ... so he emailed me the question "What is a Yogi" ... um, you're on a computer idiot, Goolgle it! So again, I ignored him ... so he wrote me back THIS:

 "Hi. You forgot to email me back. You should have been doing flips and kartwheels at your computer station when I emailed you. Seriously."

Is this fool serious? I "Forgot"?? Flips? He doesn't even know how to spell cartwheels! Moron ... so I blocked his ass and went and touched up my nail polish and applied a second coat of mascara.

Next victim was "D" 53 ... the first problem is the 53 ... I don't want to be changing his Depends in a couple of years. The second problem is that he lives over an hour away from me ... and I hate driving 2 miles to the grocery store. And his profile was all kinds of intellectual bullshit ... obviously not my style! So I politely told him no thanks, and I get THIS:



"63 miles is too far?? C'mon, L, that's barely an hour away--and I drive quick  {um, I don't, and my car barely gets 16 mpg on a good day}.  Don't tell me that mere miles are going to be the determining factor in your search for everlastin'  {WTF?}  happiness... because I wouldn't believe it even if you did. As for my supposedly superior intelligence, you can relax--I simply have a way with words, and it's always been a hobby of mine to mix 'em up in certain orders, even if the results are pleasing only to me. I'm actually no smarter than the next guy, depending on who the next guy in line is. (On the other hand, I'm not a dolt,  {um, wanna bet?!}  either--just regular folks. And I don't talk anything like I write...)   
    So, unless you're just blowing smoke at me in the attempt to be nice,  {ding ding ding!}  why not instead consider meeting me in, say, Mystic, for a drink? {so I can drive home for an hour, while drunk?} Even if I'm not the answer to your search here (which I admit I'm probably not),  {again, ding ding ding!}  I can pretty much guarantee that an hour or so in my company isn't the worst thing you could endure.  {Well....}  Why, taken in small doses, I can be almost charming. And the last thing I'd bet I'd be in your company is bored...
    So what do you think? The pub at the Daniel Packer some evening soon?"

Um yeah, NO, you pushy motherf-er you ... BLOCKED!!!!!!

Finally, I canceled my coffee date with "D" 45 ... he asked me if I was "firm" on my stance on no children ... seems he wants them badly, even though he thinks we have potential (really? after 3 emails? REALLY????). So what, we can date for a year and I can be all in love with him and he can dump me for someone who still has some good reproductive years left?? ... yeah, I don't think so!

Maybe being single is not the worst thing in the world?

Full Time Job!

There are not nearly enough hours in the day to keep up with all of these winks and emails! I may have to quit my job and devote my days to the quest for a Good Man! My boss might miss me though ... I think he kind of likes to hear my stories ... speaking of which, here's the update, short version of course!

"D" 43 thinks I'm beautiful and adorable (adorable????) and has invited me to go for a ride in his powered parachute. I researched powered parachutes a little, and there doesn't seem to be any way he could attempt any "mile high" action, so maybe I'll be brave and give it a try. I suppose if things go badly, I can always jump ...

"R" 45 ... I have agreed to meet "R" for coffee the day after tomorrow. He seems like a nice guy, but he was awfully eager to meet right away rather than get to know each other over email ... perhaps he's right. We can waste hours talking and typing, but bottom line is, there has to be something there, and you can't see it over the computer.

"R" 48 has already invited me to visit him in the desert ... after about 5 email exchanges. Maybe he likes to lure women out there and bury the bodies where no one will ever find them? That would be just my luck!

"J" 42 is a bit put off by my lack of interest in boats ... but he has stepped up and offered to teach me to swim. OR maybe he just wants to see my ass in a bathing suit? And like the desert, the ocean is a fabulous place to dump a body! Hmmmmm ....

New to the scene is "D" 53 ... I feel bad about "D" because after I ignored his "wink" he decided to email me anyway. How can I tell him that I think he's just too old for me without hurting his feelings?  I mean, how sad is this: "I admit to sending an entry-level wink, which apparently wasn't so well received; would an actual note meet a better fate? That's assuming, of course, that you can put aside the fact of these few extra measly years I'm saddled with..."  Suggestions?????

As I'm typing this post, another email popped up in my inbox ... ack! I guess I should go see who awaits me now...

So Many Mens, So Little Time!

Just 2 days on Match.com, and I have more boys winking at me and emailing me than I know what to do with! I think I'm going to need to prepare a spreadsheet to keep track of these boys ... so far I have 3 favorites:

"D" 43 may be willing to teach me how to fly a plane, so he's high up on my list, followed closely by 2 boys who are both called "Rick" ... normally I don't like to spell out full names, but the Lucy & Ricky thing is too funny to let go by without a mention.

Oh my, as I'm typing this post, a new dude is emailing for me ... this is so great for the ego!!!!!!

Movin' On ...

 Since eHarmony can't seem to match me with anyone under 50 in my same area code, I've decided to widen my search ... I signed myself up for a 3 month membership to Match.com. My profile has been up for only one day, and I already have 17 men winking at me, 9 emails and 5 interested parties! Out of all these potentials, I found 2 to be attractive and 3 seemed like they'd be nice to have as guy friends. So I wrote back to them and we'll see what happens! As for the rest, well, here's what we're dealing with:

"A" 40 said: I love the simple things in life and I am very easy to get along with. From a child's smile to a dog wagging's it's tail and greeting you at the door when you come home. I also like to give flowers for no reason at all and a nice walk on the beach is always a very nice thing.

Ummm, a child's smile? a dog's wagging tail?????? You've got to be friggin' kidding me.

Here's another:

"D" 43 said: Hello Beautiful......D :)

Nice, but hello, did "D" even read the profile that took me so long to perfect? Especially the part where I stated that I'd like to be friends first and see what develops???????

This is gonna be fun Bitches ... stay tuned!

It's All in the Screen Name

After an evening out at a concert where all the men my age were either hideously fat or already taken, I was pleased to find a note in my InBox that my Planet Earth Singles profile had been viewed and someone had sent me a Private Message! Excitedly I logged in, only to discover that the name of my admirer is "wishbone" ... umm, hello, if you wish to bone me, can we maybe have coffee first or something???? But aside from the name, wishbone seems like quite the charmer ... He's already throwing the L Word out there!!!! Here's a little quote:

"You profile is so simple but very interesting, do you believe in love? if you do let's make it happen."

Ummmm, yeah.

Perhaps I'll have some luck tonight when I hit the party scene in my vampire costume ... Mr. Right will see the bar lights shine off of my silver fangs and he won't know what hit him ... oh wait, what hit him will be ME after he tries to grab my newly toned ass (thanks Baywatch Babe!)!!!

Have a great Halloween Bitches!

And PS ... that bikini trimmer thing is life changing ... I highly recommend it for all my Italian sisters out there!

New Toy!

Not THAT kind of toy, minds out of the gutter ... but now that i'm thinking about it ... hmmmmm.

Lately there hasn't been any eHarmony activity to report, with the exception of "J" 52 who drives a dump truck and wants to see more pics of me. Yeah, I'll get right on uploading those ...

But ever the optimist, I paid a visit to the Walgreens and hooked myself up with the Schick Quattro for Women Trim Style! It claims to safely not only shave but trim the bikini area. The commercial depicted an unruly shrub (or "bush" if you will) that magically transformed into a neat little triangle ... being 100% Italian, this device is a Godsend! I can't wait to try it ... and I'll let you know how it goes ... but sorry "J" 52, I won't be including pics.

No More Ms. Nice Girl

Eeeew, I was just "nudged"!!!! WTF, you may wonder, is "nudged"??? In the eHarmony world, if someone asks you to answer their questions and you don't do it in a timely fashion, they can send you a little "nudge" to get your ass in gear. I have to wonder about the type of person that would send someone a "nudge" ... in this case, "C" 50. Clearly "C" has a pretty high opinion of himself ... it probably never even for one second crossed his mind that perhaps I saw his request for contact, took one look at his photo and profile, decided he was not worth my time, and ignored him ... nooooo, I probably just forgot and needed a, you guessed it, little nudge!

I guess I have to quit being so nice and polite ... instead of merely ignoring matches that don't appeal to me, I need to start closing them right away before any contact can occur ...

Oh, Shot DOWN!

I just got myself a "Dear Jane" letter from "T" 46 ... he just doesn't feel we have enough in common for a "LTR" (I guess online dating has its own list of abbreviations I'll need to familiarize myself with). He's looking for a gal to swim with in the summer and dance with in the winter ... and sadly, I sink like a stone and am about as coordinated as a bowl of oatmeal, and most importantly, I'm not covered by a healthcare plan (c'mon Obama, I'm waitin'!!!) ...

I will not let the fact that I was rejected by a person who wearing running shoes on a date deter me ... I'm looking forward to the next list of potentials eHarmony sends my way!