It's All in the Screen Name

After an evening out at a concert where all the men my age were either hideously fat or already taken, I was pleased to find a note in my InBox that my Planet Earth Singles profile had been viewed and someone had sent me a Private Message! Excitedly I logged in, only to discover that the name of my admirer is "wishbone" ... umm, hello, if you wish to bone me, can we maybe have coffee first or something???? But aside from the name, wishbone seems like quite the charmer ... He's already throwing the L Word out there!!!! Here's a little quote:

"You profile is so simple but very interesting, do you believe in love? if you do let's make it happen."

Ummmm, yeah.

Perhaps I'll have some luck tonight when I hit the party scene in my vampire costume ... Mr. Right will see the bar lights shine off of my silver fangs and he won't know what hit him ... oh wait, what hit him will be ME after he tries to grab my newly toned ass (thanks Baywatch Babe!)!!!

Have a great Halloween Bitches!

And PS ... that bikini trimmer thing is life changing ... I highly recommend it for all my Italian sisters out there!

New Toy!

Not THAT kind of toy, minds out of the gutter ... but now that i'm thinking about it ... hmmmmm.

Lately there hasn't been any eHarmony activity to report, with the exception of "J" 52 who drives a dump truck and wants to see more pics of me. Yeah, I'll get right on uploading those ...

But ever the optimist, I paid a visit to the Walgreens and hooked myself up with the Schick Quattro for Women Trim Style! It claims to safely not only shave but trim the bikini area. The commercial depicted an unruly shrub (or "bush" if you will) that magically transformed into a neat little triangle ... being 100% Italian, this device is a Godsend! I can't wait to try it ... and I'll let you know how it goes ... but sorry "J" 52, I won't be including pics.

No More Ms. Nice Girl

Eeeew, I was just "nudged"!!!! WTF, you may wonder, is "nudged"??? In the eHarmony world, if someone asks you to answer their questions and you don't do it in a timely fashion, they can send you a little "nudge" to get your ass in gear. I have to wonder about the type of person that would send someone a "nudge" ... in this case, "C" 50. Clearly "C" has a pretty high opinion of himself ... it probably never even for one second crossed his mind that perhaps I saw his request for contact, took one look at his photo and profile, decided he was not worth my time, and ignored him ... nooooo, I probably just forgot and needed a, you guessed it, little nudge!

I guess I have to quit being so nice and polite ... instead of merely ignoring matches that don't appeal to me, I need to start closing them right away before any contact can occur ...

Oh, Shot DOWN!

I just got myself a "Dear Jane" letter from "T" 46 ... he just doesn't feel we have enough in common for a "LTR" (I guess online dating has its own list of abbreviations I'll need to familiarize myself with). He's looking for a gal to swim with in the summer and dance with in the winter ... and sadly, I sink like a stone and am about as coordinated as a bowl of oatmeal, and most importantly, I'm not covered by a healthcare plan (c'mon Obama, I'm waitin'!!!) ...

I will not let the fact that I was rejected by a person who wearing running shoes on a date deter me ... I'm looking forward to the next list of potentials eHarmony sends my way!

Um, I'm Back Already ...

Well, "T" 46 put up with me for exactly one hour (to the minute!) ... during which time he kind of stared at me with a strange expression on his face ... maybe he was distracted by the giant zit that appeared on my cheek right before I left to meet him???

To T's credit, he looked exactly like his photos ... not half bad, but in need of a little dose of Queer Eye for sure. The clothes would have been suitable for a man 15 years older ... and I'm sorry, but I don't think it's OK to wear running shoes on a date ... unless you're actually going running ... which if you're dating me, you won't be doing. And he's really into dancing ... swing and salsa to be exact. He actually suggested that I give it a try ... even after I told him about my unbelievable lack of coordination ... perhaps T enjoys watching women fall down?

A few things bothered me about T's manners ... when I got to the coffee place, T aready had coffee in hand, because the place was closing and he didn't want to miss out. And he didn't once open a door for me ... but to his credit, he did pay for my drink and he seemed concerned about me walking home alone in the dark.

But the worst thing was when, right in the middle of our conversation, he announced that he was ready to go home ... and off he went ... Oooh, I'll bet he rocks those running shoes so he can make a quick getaway ...

All in all, not a terrible hour ... but I don't think T and I will be "swinging" together any time soon.

Ack!

OMG, so tonight I have a date with "T" 46!!!!! He called me yesterday, and he actually sounds pretty tolerable, so I  agreed to meet him for coffee. Stay tuned for the 'deets' ...

I checked out my tree hugger singles page this morning ... man, there are some creepy-looking dudes checkin' me out and a few have written me odd notes ... here's a little quote for you:

"You have great balance to snow board and to windsurf.
I like that you are romantic and love the small things
like a daily phone call to say hello. That means alot
in a good relationship."

WTF is even talking about? A daily phone call? Really? Like I won't get sick of your ass calling me??? Snow boarding (um, that takes place in frigid snow) and windsurfing (I can't even f-ing swim!). Obviously this guy has been doing far too many wheatgrass shots or something ...

OK bitches, wish me luck!

E-nough

Unsatisfied with the choices on eHarmony.com and still waiting patiently by the phone for "T" 46 to call me, I've decided to widen my search.

Since it's hard for a vegan to find an understanding partner in this meat-obsessed culture, I decided to try a dating service created just for vegetarians (veggiesingles.com). This site came recommended by a friend who'd tried it ... he told me the moving story of a date with a woman he met on the site. He took her out for a nice dinner, and she ordered a big slab of beef! ... seems she was only on the veggie site because she thought the men would be nicer. I can see her reasoning, and I have to say that the few guys I know that are vegetarians ARE very kind, sensitive and respectful. So with a renewed optimism, I added my profile to the Plant Earth Singles area of the site. Like at eHarmony.com, there were pages and pages of questions about everything from height and weight to the types of sexual acts I'd be willing to perform ... the Veggies really like to know everything about their members! Unlike eHarmony.com, there is no cost to participate, unless I want to use IM or send messages to other members (I can however, respond to messages sent to me).

My profile has been up for about an hour, and five members have checked me out already ... a few live halfway across the country but one lives just 20 miles away. I checked him out ... he's a 50 year old poet and looks pretty attractive (except for the kid and not one, but two cats), but he didn't send me a "Hello" so to hell with him ... perhaps he didn't like the low rating I gave to "Anal"?????

It's On!

Saturday morning, when everyone else in the world is spending this beautiful fall day with their significant other doing romantic things, I'm sitting here on my computer sorting through a list of too-old men that live far far away from me. There's one new possibility though ... "G" 40 actually lives in the same area code as I do, and he's a mechanic! Hmmm ... I have an American car that always needs a little special attention ... this could work. I sent him some introductory questions to see if and how he responds ... he's not too tall though, so I won't hold my breath ... and I have to wonder, if the profile says 5'8", is that with or without those big, greasy mechanic shoes on?

"T" 46 made a bold move and asked for my number! I gave him the cell, just in case he's a serial killer. That would be just my luck ... but I imagine that if a was ever to be taken, I would annoy the sh!t out of my captor and he'd drop me right back off where he found me so he could have some peace and quiet!

OK, off I go to wait for the phone to ring!

Long Distance Relationships

I opened up my inbox today and was greeted with a new list of 7 matches! I excitedly scrolled through them, only to discover that almost all of them live 2-3 states away from me! I mean. it's New England so the states aren't huge ... but still! The one guy who was somewhat local (a 2 hour drive) was into driving around in his convertible ...Sorry, I'm an air-conditioning girl!!!!! And again with the sports car ...  we might have that "over compensation" issue again ... I really don't need that!!!

I got a new list of questions from "T" 46 ... but I realized that although his profile states that he wants No Kids, evidently he has some ... drat! I was polite enough to answer his questions though, so he now knows my favorite kinds of music (if he likes Neil Diamond, we'll have a problem here) and an interest I'd like to share with a partner. Maybe the kids are in their 20s???????

Finally, I learned today that men do still find me attractive ... well, maybe I should rephrase that: Males find me attractive. The cutest little blue-eyed kindergarten kid was winking and waving at me this morning .. see,  I still got it, bitches!!!!!

Shot Down Again ... boo freakin' hoo ...

Today I received another notice that a potential match, "J" 43, had closed communication with me. Since I'm always up for a good blow to the self-esteem, I checked the reason ... seems he didn't like some of the statements in my profile. OK, seems fair ... I can be a little blunt at times. But just for giggles, I clicked on J's profile picture ... you have to be kidding me! Standing there was a greasy-looking guy (who looked quite a bit older than 43) with a John Travolta circa Saturday Night Fever 'do and a pair of full on, high-waisted mom jeans ... really ... mom jeans. On a guy. That some computer program thinks is a match for me. And to top it off, J was leaning against some type of small foreign sports car, which leaves little doubt in my mind that those mom jeans are covering up, well, not very much!

I Need Be More Flexible ...

It's been a few days since I posted my eHarmony profile, I'm getting a little more familiar with this online dating stuff ... I noticed that all of my eHarmony matches so far are "Flexible" matches. What, you ask, are Flexible Matches? A "Flexible Match" means that after I handed over my $44.95 and answered their 3,428 questions, they can only find me men who have "some" of the qualities I desire ... read: You're gonna have to date a chubby (I'm being kind here), 50+ man with kids. The commercial did't say anything about Flexible Matches ... (and ps ... those men in the commercial are much less creepy-looking than the actual men on the site). If I wanted only "some" of the qualities I desire, I could cruise down to the local bar and start randomly handing out my number to dudes ... for FREE!!!!!!

One of my first matches, "H" 50 from New York, "Closed" our communication today due to the distance between us ... alas, I thought we had gotten so close over these few days!!!!!

But on a bright-ish note, "T" 46 sent me his Must Haves and Can't Stands ... and it seems he does not find cheating to be appropriate, enjoys learning new things, and likes his life to be organized. Tag, I'm it, so I sent him back a few questions ... "T" and I are nearing Stage 4 of our introductory communication process, I'm positively giddy with anticipation!

Took the Plunge

I just forked over $45 to eHarmony ... now I'll be able to "communicate" with all of my "matches" ... how excited am I? Now I'm up to a baker's dozen of potentials ... so many boys, so little time! I see that two possibilities have already nixed me, one has found someone else (that bitch!) and another gave the reason "other" ... other what??????... but I won't let this dampen my spirits. Remember people, I'm not a quitter!!

I responded to requests for communications from two guys: First there's "T" who is 46 and has no kids. He asked me questions about my interest in travel and food. I'm sure my telling him I'm a vegan will be a real turn-on for him ... it is to so many men! I considered not mentioning it, but why waste time? I also got a list of questions from "B" who is 40. He also asked about travel and food and was also interested in how often I laugh ... I wonder, someday will I be laughing with B ... or at him? Time will tell.

While I'm waiting for my chance to meet one of these hotties in person, I decided a little extra shaping up couldn't hurt my middle-aged butt, so I surfed over to Exercise TV and put on the Baywatch workout ... it was lead by a perky blonde (in a red bathing suit, of course) whose first instruction was "Get in doggie-style position!" I was intrigued! She also suggested that the buttock raises could be performed with a partner (um, eeeeew) and that if I did the painful thigh squeezes, I could wear a mini skirt this very night! Luckily, I didn't believe her.

eeeeeHarmony

I've just spent the better part of an hour creating my profile on the dating website eHarmony.com. I chose eHarmony because the people on the commercials all look so happy and in love, and they are not actors, they are Real Couples ... it says so in the corner of the screen.

The majority of my time was spent answering hundreds of questions about the type of partner I'm looking for, my personality traits, my lifestyle and all kinds of other crap. But I was rewarded at the end with six, count 'em, six men who might be good matches for me! Yay!!!!!!! I excitedly scrolled through my list of potentials, but I was only allowed to see their written profile. (To see photos I'll have to cough up anywhere from $150 for three months to close to $300 for the entire year). My excitement quickly turned to disappointment when I learned that three of the men were over 50, four had kids, two lived in other states, and one was a perv (not that pervs are bad, but geeeez, save it until we know each other a little better!).

I opted to not pay the membership fee and went shoe shopping instead ...

Welcome!

My name is Lucy Love (well, not really, but you should call me that) and I've decided that the time has come for me to find myself a Good Man. Doesn't sound too difficult, right? Men are everywhere, just look around you ... the grocery stores, the bars, the laundry mats, the adult ed classes, hiking, biking, match.com ... man after amazing man, just there for my taking.

Well bitches, think again ... you see, I'm 40 years old. That's 5 years over the age at which women become invisible to men, and studies say I'll have a better chance at getting struck by lightening than finding a husband. Not very encouraging words ... but although I've been called many, MANY things, I've never been called a quitter ... so here I go!

I guess I should start by telling you what I'm looking for in a Good Man (hey, you might know someone, right?).

First and foremost, he needs to be single. I'm sick and tired of hearing, "I'd love to take you to dinner sometime ... how about a great little place I know of that's just a few hundred miles south of here." Wow, what better way to make a girl feel special! And if he tells me "She's not my girlfriend." I certainly won't believe it.

I'm also not a fan of baggage. I've never wanted to have kids of my own, so I REALLY don't want  to hang out with someone else's. My idea of a fun night out with my Good Man doesn't include Chucky Cheese and a G-rated movie, and my dream vacation is not hopping in the minivan and heading down to 6 Flags (did I mention I won't ride in a minivan?).

I've also decided that my Good Man needs to be at least as old as I am. Let's face facts here, Cougar Town or not, men want their girlfriends to be younger than they are. I'm thinking the 40-48 range ... I don't want to have to deal with Depends and Polydent just yet, my time will come soon enough.

My Good Man also needs to be tall. Aside from the obvious Napoleon complex issues that most short men have, I'm a tall girl and I like my high heels. I don't want him to have to stand up on a crate so we look good in photos ... have you forgotten Tom and Katie's wedding? Ridiculous.

I'd also like my Good Man to be somewhat physically fit. When it's time for the sex (I know, I'm being very optimistic here) I don't want to see a naked fleshy blob jiggling toward me. It's so not hot, and I refuse the pretend that I think it is just for the sake of gettin' a little. Speaking of little, that's an issue we'll save for another time.

My Good Man should not be a cheap-ass. I refuse to shop (or even drive by, if I can help it) anywhere with "mart", "chopper", "rite" or "price" over the door, and I don't intend to start now. I remember the story of a family friend whose husband used to stand in the produce area of the grocery store  and pick the stems off the cherries so he didn't have to pay for them ... can you imagine?

I'm also not a fan of pets (especially dogs), sports, drinkers, smokers, slobs and lots (and LOTS) of other things that I'm sure we'll discover as I move along this path.

I'm glad you've decided to join me ... I have a funny feeling that I'll need all the support I can get!