Date #3!

Against my better judgment, I accepted an offer for a date with "E" 46 (The "Sweet Angel" Guy). We'd talked on the phone a couple of times, and despite his sappy profile, he sounded like a decent, hardworking guy ... he's self-employed, has one child and one dog, is about to be divorced and wants to be friends before anything else ...

"E" had told me ahead of time that he wasn't going to make any special effort in his pre-date preparations ... he wanted me to see him at his worst, and he figured if I liked that, I'd really like him dressed up! He didn't disappoint ... he was wearing a baseball cap and gym shoes ... but I still found him to be a pretty attractive specimen and I'm sure he'd clean up very nicely!

The first few minutes were a little uncomfortable ... I zipped my scarf into my boot and "E" has issues with his car lights ... but after that things were fine. "E" was even understanding when I sent my dinner to be remade after it arrived covered in meat ... usually men are embarrassed when I do that, so bonus points for "E".

Our date was cut short when one of "E"s employees called him with an emergency (or was it a set up to rescue him from a bad date? Hmmmmm ... ) but he did ask me if I'd like to go out again, and to my surprise (he has a kid AND a dog after all), I said Yes. If it doesn't work out, there's always this guy:

"P" 43 writes:

u
r
p-retty---------

Ummmm, ok ... why do I find that soooo creepy??????

The Poet

This has been a busy week ... my inbox has been filled with emails from so many wonderful potentials! Here's one that stands out from the rest. "T" 51 has a poem as the intro to his profile ... who doesn't love a sensitive poet?

 "The Swan I watch you in the distance but you don't see me then our eyes meet you smile and look away Your face lovlier then a white orchid blooming body curvy and voluptuous [you got the wrong girl there chief!) under your silky bridal [bridal???? oh no ...] dress You disappear in the sunlight of the shimmering water I cry out your name but you don't here [here???] me dive [why do they all like swimmers????] in the water and swim after you beholding me you spread your wings wrap your neck around mine and pull me into the milky body of your plumage Happily we hold hands and swim away [or more likely, drown]."

What ever happened to real men ... you know, the kind whose poems start with "There once was a girl from Nantucket ..."?????

Ugh ...

OK Bitches, I'll keep this one short and sweet because I'm tired and I want to go to bed ... but during my last email check of the day, I came across "D" 46, who would like to call me ... at least that's what I think he was trying to say ... the grammar was atrocious ... oooh, did I spell that right? ;-)

Anyway, I have three things to say:

1) 2 Kids
2) 1 Dog
3) NASCAR

So obviously there IS a God, it's a male, and for some reason it's punishing me ...

Where Have All the Real Men Gone?

I've gotten a couple of slightly amusing emails from "E" 46, so I finally decided I should take a peek at his profile ... to my horror, here are a few quotes:

"E" starts off with this: "TO MY SWEET ANGEL, I've been searching for you my entire life."

Then why, oh why, is he writing to ME???? Sweet? Angel?????? Help me ...

He goes on to say a bunch more sappy things, like "although we have never met I hold you dear in my heart", "if you are tired, you'll rest your weary head on my shoulders" and my personal fav "when that day comes if you are sad I will dry your tears"

Seriously, when did all the men start acting like the kind of women I love to hate? I feel like if I date one of these guys, our "cycles" will sync up and we'll spend 4 days per month crying at nothing and eating chocolate together ...

Sugar Daddy!

Oooh, lookie what I got today ...  "D" 46 has his very own Beach Bouse that he's looking to share with "Someone Special" ... and that someone could be me! Take a look:

 "You sound like my type of lady. I own a small farm [Farm? What kind of farm? With animals? That he eats? Oh no ....] in Windsor Locks and work in the areospace industry. I am very emotionally and financially secure {See? Sugar Daddy!], but am looking for someone special to help me enjoy life. Money is good, but you can't buy happiness [Evidently, "D" thinks it can buy him company though!]. I have a house on the Outer Banks that I would like to share with someone special"

His profile even includes photos of aforementioned Beach House! I do give "D" credit though, for not mentioning long walks along the beach outside of his Beach House ...

Profile Photos

After reviewing this week's so-called "matches" from eHarmony and Match.com, I'm noticing an interesting trend ... profile photos of these men with other women! In some cases the Photoshop geniuses have attempted to crop her out ... but there's still a telltale curl or polished fingernails visible along the edges. But most times it's clearly a photo of a happy couple! Of course I realize that it could be a sister, friend or even daughter ... but STILL ... if they're trying to portray themselves as single men, this certainly is NOT the way to go about it!

On a more positive note, "J" 43 has sent me an introductory email ... he's pretty cute, but he does have two children ... probably not for me, but his profile pics show him skateboarding (alone, thank you very much!) and he has a handyman business ... so he's fun AND he fixes sh!t ... my kinda guy!

Round 2

Just back from having a drink with "S" 44 who I met on match.com. Oddly, I can't really come up with anything bad to say about him ... he was actually better looking than his photo, and tall too!

That said, I'm pretty certain he'll not contact me again ... but if nothing else, "S" gives me hope that there still are a few single, attractive, child-free men left in the world.

Why look what just came in ... a response to the thank-you email I sent "S" after our date:

"I also raelly [sic] enjoyed talking to you as you seem to be a nice sensible mature woman."

Mature? Oh no, he did not!

Where Have All the Real Men Gone?

Got a nice invite to dinner & drinks from "S" 36 ... so I figured I should check out his profile ... here's a little taste:

"Nothing relieves the stress of the day like a child's smile or laughter."


OK "S", pull down your skirt, your hoo-ha is showing!

;-) ;-) (Wink Wink)

Evidently I am not meeting my "wink" quota with match.com, because they've seen fit to wink at someone for me! Meet "M" 48 whose profile pic features him in a brightly colored sports logo sweatshirt ... my kinda guy!

Here's the exchange:

M: Hello how r u?

LL: [saw sweatshirt, chose to ignore]

M:  Hi, thanks for the wink. [Um, I didn't f-ing wink at you...] How was your day? I liked your profile, you sound like you have a great sense of humor, which I love. What do you like to do in your free time? Do you like camping, long walks [why do they all want to walk? It's 2009, we do have cars now], outdoor activities?

LL: [trying to throw him off my bra strap] Oooh, I'm kind of an indoor girl ... my idea of roughing it is a 3 star hotel ;-) [there, NOW I winked...]

M: That's ok I would prefer that too, lol! Would like to talk more if interested?

LL: [um, no ...]

Interesting, with one sentence I have already molded "M" to my way! Waaaay too easy ... next???!!

I've Discoved the Block Button

Oh my goodness there are some truly disturbed people in the world, and I have had the misfortune of dealing with several of them.

Take for example, "y" 40 ... he doesn't like girls who wear makeup ... and gee whiz, I happen to f-ing LOVE makeup ... so I ignored his little wink. In Match land, ignoring a wink only makes them try harder ... so he emailed me the question "What is a Yogi" ... um, you're on a computer idiot, Goolgle it! So again, I ignored him ... so he wrote me back THIS:

 "Hi. You forgot to email me back. You should have been doing flips and kartwheels at your computer station when I emailed you. Seriously."

Is this fool serious? I "Forgot"?? Flips? He doesn't even know how to spell cartwheels! Moron ... so I blocked his ass and went and touched up my nail polish and applied a second coat of mascara.

Next victim was "D" 53 ... the first problem is the 53 ... I don't want to be changing his Depends in a couple of years. The second problem is that he lives over an hour away from me ... and I hate driving 2 miles to the grocery store. And his profile was all kinds of intellectual bullshit ... obviously not my style! So I politely told him no thanks, and I get THIS:



"63 miles is too far?? C'mon, L, that's barely an hour away--and I drive quick  {um, I don't, and my car barely gets 16 mpg on a good day}.  Don't tell me that mere miles are going to be the determining factor in your search for everlastin'  {WTF?}  happiness... because I wouldn't believe it even if you did. As for my supposedly superior intelligence, you can relax--I simply have a way with words, and it's always been a hobby of mine to mix 'em up in certain orders, even if the results are pleasing only to me. I'm actually no smarter than the next guy, depending on who the next guy in line is. (On the other hand, I'm not a dolt,  {um, wanna bet?!}  either--just regular folks. And I don't talk anything like I write...)   
    So, unless you're just blowing smoke at me in the attempt to be nice,  {ding ding ding!}  why not instead consider meeting me in, say, Mystic, for a drink? {so I can drive home for an hour, while drunk?} Even if I'm not the answer to your search here (which I admit I'm probably not),  {again, ding ding ding!}  I can pretty much guarantee that an hour or so in my company isn't the worst thing you could endure.  {Well....}  Why, taken in small doses, I can be almost charming. And the last thing I'd bet I'd be in your company is bored...
    So what do you think? The pub at the Daniel Packer some evening soon?"

Um yeah, NO, you pushy motherf-er you ... BLOCKED!!!!!!

Finally, I canceled my coffee date with "D" 45 ... he asked me if I was "firm" on my stance on no children ... seems he wants them badly, even though he thinks we have potential (really? after 3 emails? REALLY????). So what, we can date for a year and I can be all in love with him and he can dump me for someone who still has some good reproductive years left?? ... yeah, I don't think so!

Maybe being single is not the worst thing in the world?

Full Time Job!

There are not nearly enough hours in the day to keep up with all of these winks and emails! I may have to quit my job and devote my days to the quest for a Good Man! My boss might miss me though ... I think he kind of likes to hear my stories ... speaking of which, here's the update, short version of course!

"D" 43 thinks I'm beautiful and adorable (adorable????) and has invited me to go for a ride in his powered parachute. I researched powered parachutes a little, and there doesn't seem to be any way he could attempt any "mile high" action, so maybe I'll be brave and give it a try. I suppose if things go badly, I can always jump ...

"R" 45 ... I have agreed to meet "R" for coffee the day after tomorrow. He seems like a nice guy, but he was awfully eager to meet right away rather than get to know each other over email ... perhaps he's right. We can waste hours talking and typing, but bottom line is, there has to be something there, and you can't see it over the computer.

"R" 48 has already invited me to visit him in the desert ... after about 5 email exchanges. Maybe he likes to lure women out there and bury the bodies where no one will ever find them? That would be just my luck!

"J" 42 is a bit put off by my lack of interest in boats ... but he has stepped up and offered to teach me to swim. OR maybe he just wants to see my ass in a bathing suit? And like the desert, the ocean is a fabulous place to dump a body! Hmmmmm ....

New to the scene is "D" 53 ... I feel bad about "D" because after I ignored his "wink" he decided to email me anyway. How can I tell him that I think he's just too old for me without hurting his feelings?  I mean, how sad is this: "I admit to sending an entry-level wink, which apparently wasn't so well received; would an actual note meet a better fate? That's assuming, of course, that you can put aside the fact of these few extra measly years I'm saddled with..."  Suggestions?????

As I'm typing this post, another email popped up in my inbox ... ack! I guess I should go see who awaits me now...

So Many Mens, So Little Time!

Just 2 days on Match.com, and I have more boys winking at me and emailing me than I know what to do with! I think I'm going to need to prepare a spreadsheet to keep track of these boys ... so far I have 3 favorites:

"D" 43 may be willing to teach me how to fly a plane, so he's high up on my list, followed closely by 2 boys who are both called "Rick" ... normally I don't like to spell out full names, but the Lucy & Ricky thing is too funny to let go by without a mention.

Oh my, as I'm typing this post, a new dude is emailing for me ... this is so great for the ego!!!!!!

Movin' On ...

 Since eHarmony can't seem to match me with anyone under 50 in my same area code, I've decided to widen my search ... I signed myself up for a 3 month membership to Match.com. My profile has been up for only one day, and I already have 17 men winking at me, 9 emails and 5 interested parties! Out of all these potentials, I found 2 to be attractive and 3 seemed like they'd be nice to have as guy friends. So I wrote back to them and we'll see what happens! As for the rest, well, here's what we're dealing with:

"A" 40 said: I love the simple things in life and I am very easy to get along with. From a child's smile to a dog wagging's it's tail and greeting you at the door when you come home. I also like to give flowers for no reason at all and a nice walk on the beach is always a very nice thing.

Ummm, a child's smile? a dog's wagging tail?????? You've got to be friggin' kidding me.

Here's another:

"D" 43 said: Hello Beautiful......D :)

Nice, but hello, did "D" even read the profile that took me so long to perfect? Especially the part where I stated that I'd like to be friends first and see what develops???????

This is gonna be fun Bitches ... stay tuned!