My First Second Date

Although I wasn't really that into "D" 47 (you know, the one that let me walk home in the dead of winter), I accepted his invitation for a second date. I thought maybe I'd judged him too harshly (I do that once in awhile) and that perhaps he'd grow on me. I was so, so wrong!

"D" and I agreed to meet in front of a restaurant at 7:30. I arrived right on time, "D" was nowhere in sight. After a few minutes, he came trotting out of the restaurant, saying that he couldn't wait any longer (for what??). I thought maybe I'd misunderstood the time, but no, he just really wanted to start drinking! I sat down and put my hands on the table, he immediately grabbed one and starting kissing it. In public! While people were trying to eat! I wanted to vomit, and use my hand sanitizer. F'ing gross ...

"D" was already slurring his words a bit when I arrived, and he was very, very loud. So loud that people were staring at us. I tried to tell "D" about the horrible day I'd had, and how a client I'd known for years tried to con me into being part of a Madoff-esque scam, but he brushed me off and started talking about himself. I know I come off as a little selfish, but I really don't mind listening ... that is when the person speaking is sober and making sense!

We ordered an appetizer and dinner ... when the waitress dropped off the appetizer and began to walk away, he called her back and asked her if she was going to take our dinner order ... I looked at her, she looked at me ... I think I saw the pity in her eyes, and I'm sure she saw the horror in mine.

During dinner, "D" made a pretty big deal about the fact that I don't care for talking on the phone. Funny "D", I'll talk on the phone for hours with people that I like! He also shared all sorts of personal information, including the fact that he doesn't have too much hair on his back (newsflash buddy, any is too much) and that he has a "nice" chest ... he did have a nice chest, if you happen to get turned on by man boobs.

I wanted to ditch "D" right after dinner, but he didn't seem ready to give up on me. As I stood up to leave, he starting aiming his finger toward my "special area" and said "I like that." I was like, "Excuse me?!" So he proceeded to poke me in the thigh on a distressed patch on my jeans, about 3" from said "special area." Speechless, I took off in the direction of the bar to meet up with some friends. As we walked to the bar, "D" kept reaching his hand out to take mine ... but I kept my hands firmly in my pockets and pretended not to see. Cruel, I know ... but eeeeew.

Upon arrival, "D" immediately secured the first of many many drinks. I sat down, and he got behind me and started rubbing my arms and neck in a most repulsive way. I told him that I wasn't comfortable being touched by someone that I didn't really know very well, and he told me I was "weird." Whatever, maybe my parents didn't pick me up enough when I was little, but we all have our things, and calling me weird is no way to get points (or sex for that matter).

Over the next couple of hours, "D" made a game of touching me and then pulling his hand away and saying, "Oh, sorry!" until I wanted to rip his pokey finger off and shove it down his throat. My friends were shocked that I was even standing next to him, and one came up with an elaborate plan to ditch him. After about 5 beers, "D" was pretty hammered. I could barely understand him, but I did manage to hear him utter, "Would it be OK if I gave you a kiss?" After I stopped gagging, I told him that I don't kiss people I barely know. He persisted  bit, until a girlfriend saw my distress and begged me to accompany her to the ladies room.

After I rejected "D" advances, he stopped speaking to me (maybe there is a God?) and grabbed his things and vanished. I did a happy dance, my friends toasted me on my lucky break and all was fine ... until he reappeared, fresh beer in hand. Thankfully, he chugged it down at record speed and left for good.

This experience has left me convinced that the only men in their 40s who are still single and child-free have something terribly, horribly wrong with them. My 3 month Match.com membership expires today, and I won't be renewing it. As much as I've enjoyed sharing my stories, dealing with these losers has left me more bitter and jaded than I was when I started this project.

So I'm going to open this blog up to you, my loyal followers. If you have a dating or relationship horror story you'd like to share, email it to me at datinghorrorstories@gmail.com and I'll post it here!

It's been fun Bitches! Don't miss me too much!

--Lucy Love

Morning Rant

I just received an email from "B" 44 asking me to "bare my soul" ... WTF, what does that even mean? I told "B" that I have no soul, I sold it long ago to get shoe money.

Another from "K" 43 who wants to have coffee with me ... aside from looking like a sex offender, "K" prefers a "petite" woman who likes to sail in boats as well as paint them. Perhaps "K" should learn to read, because my profile clearly states that I am tall and that I don't do boats. And PS, seriously, what kind of jerk makes his girlfriend paint his boat??????????

Then we have "S" 55 who writes "we may have a better than average chance of being on the same page and have similar dreams"

Last night I dreamed I was being chased by a serial killer who wanted to chop me up (too much Nip/Tuck right before bed I guess) ... did "S" dream that too? I checked out the profile:

"would Love to meet that woman who is out there waiting for something Special to happen in her life ..and if one day we find that our time has come and to find that special one would we be willing to step up to the plate. For time waits for no one. For the time has come email and have some fun....Can you Dream of the possibilities"

I don't think he put enough corny sayings in there, I think he should add one or two more.

All this, and it's only 9:00 in the morning ... I can't wait to see what (or who) the rest of the day brings!

I almost forgot! Now that my eHarmony.com subscription has expired, they keep taunting me with wonderful new matches that I can learn about if I renew my subscription for the low low rate of $33.95 per month! I'm not fallin' for it, and neither should anyone else! If you or anyone you know ever considers joining eHarmony, don't do it!!!

Oprah, tell me what to do!

Last night I met a new prospect "D" 47 for a drink. After watching the Oprah episode about the very choosy 40-something year old woman who was trying to find a man, I decided that if I'm going to find love, I may need to relax my standards a little.

So I strapped on my black boots and tried my best not to nitpick poor "D" to death ... but I did notice a few things:

When I walked in, I nearly crashed straight into a good male friend ... so I stopped for a quick chat. "D" was quick to make a crack about me talking to another guy. And when "D" realized I knew a few people at the bar, he said he was ready to go, but I was "welcome to stay" ... hmmmm.

"D" also managed to bring up his ex's in conversation more times that I cared to count.

I only had one drink, and he didn't even make an offer to pay for it.

Although it was a very cold night and "D" knew full well that I'd walked to the restaurant (and I don't live in the greatest of neighborhoods), he didn't offer me a ride home.

Don't get me wrong, "D" had good qualities ... he was interesting, artistic, and he liked my boots. But is that enough? So my dear readers, I ask you, am I being too picky ... or is this the norm in today's dating world?

Meet Wiggies

Yesterday I got a "wink" from "wiggies" 42 ... I chose to ignore it, because for some reason, the word "wiggies" makes my skin crawl. Evidently, "wiggies" doesn't give up easily, because I just received this charming email ... it was entitled "me" so I guess it's all about "wiggies"! [I guess "wiggies" didn't get the memo that it's all about the GIRL]:

"I am a good hearted person"

Well then, what more do I need to know? Someone call the preacher! Here's a pic of "wiggies" ... Can someone please explain the wreath?:

On a brighter note, tomorrow is my last day on eHarmony.com! After not having more than one so-called "match" per week, all of a sudden today I had three! Obviously a last ditch effort on their part to continue taking my money. But in the interest of keeping the blog fresh, I checked them out ... but as usual, they were all too old, too plump, lived too far away and had too many children! So people I implore you, no matter how lonely you may get ... and no matter how happy the couples in the commercial look ... never EVER give eHarmony.com a penny of your hard-earned money! I am stepping down from my soapbox now ...

Foreigners Need Not Apply!

 Not much action on Match.com lately, but this little doozie appeared in my inbox last night:

"M" 41 writes: 

"Wow...You Are So Cute! [Cute? I have been called many things, but "cute" is certainly not one of them!]

Hello There, 

How have you been doing? I've been busy lately...too busy! Work has been really crazy, but I suppose in these times, I'm lucky to have a job! What have you been up to?
Kisses, Mike:-)" [Kisses? Really?]


But since I was a little bored, I checked his profile:

 "I am looking for a an attractive women [after further reading, I noticed he only wants a woman with a "slender" body type. Deep guy, this "M"] who has a vibrant personality! Someone who would enjoy snuggling with me. [Gaaaag] I also have a weakness for back rubs and giving them too! PLEASE DO NOT WRITE TO ME IF YOU DO NOT LIVE IN THE USA" 

I guess I should be flattered that "M" (a wussy-looking little man in a cheap shirt) finds me acceptable ... but for some reason his message just makes me queasy. Sorry bitches, I don't think I can take this one for the team!