Happy New Year (Well, maybe for you it is ...)

Here I am on the last day of 2009, just 2 days shy of my 41st birthday, with a full inbox ... but no date for New Year's Eve!

I think my favorite suitor of the day would have to be "R"43. As you can see, "R" made sure to include a profile pic of himself and ... you guessed it, a woman! Yay!

His email to me was this:

"Hello gorgeous! I would like to get to know you. Whats your name?"

Wow "R", that's deep. So I checked out his profile. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"I'm looking for a slender [see, he's VERY deep!!!], classy/sexy woman, who likes to go out on nice dates for dinner, drinks, and dancing [ech ...]. I have nice clothes [that purple shirt proves it]  and I like to get dressed up when I go out."

"I love my red truck" [I think a 4 year old told me that very same thing last week!]

"I like to see all the hot new items at the mall and Home Depot."

I bet the broad in the photo told him to include this part:

"I like to go for long walks on the beach. I like art museums and theater. I like to see the sun rise and set. I like to go for bicycle and motorcycle rides. Fairs."

And just to make sure potential "LTR" candidates can see how cool and athletic "R" is, he included these:

My my, very impressive ... I wonder which stock image site he illegally copied those from.

Because I'm feeling a little feisty this morning, I emailed "R" back ... and asked him why on earth he would be on a dating site and have a profile photo of himself with another woman. I can't wait to read his response ... I'm slightly giddy with anticipation!!!!!

Opinions Needed

At the beginning of my quest, I exchanged several emails with "R" 45 ... we even went so far as to arrange a meeting. On the day of the meeting, "R" emailed me and asked me if I'd consider changing my "never having children" policy ... I told him "no way in hell" and canceled the date.

So today I get this:

"Remember me?

When we last emailed, I was looking to start a family and thought fatherhood was what I wanted. My search had been, well before we started to message, an exhausting task.

After a lot of careful consideration, my hope is to find someone who I don't want to be without. There are many ways I can satisfy my need to give love to children, big brother for example.

I thought I'd drop a note and say hello."

So I'm putting this question out to you, my loyal followers: Should I believe what "R" says about no longer needing to father his own child, or should I run, not walk away from a guy who will say anything to get laid in the New Year?

This one is in YOUR hands ...

Monday's Horrors

It's a busy day here in dating hell ... I guess no one wants to be alone for New Year's, but after dealing with some of these losers, I think perhaps I'll be fine! Read on ...

"D" 36 writes:

"sexy

do u play with younger men?:)"

Wow, right to the point there "D" ... um, not when their profile photo is a dude wearing a visor. Lame ...

I have also sparked the interest of "H" 47 ... so I took a peek at his profile, where among pictures of him and his camper, I came across this little gem:

"not to big on going out all time vacation in maine sometimes always wanted to go too florida havent yet enjoy gonig out to eat chinese or wherever makes someone happy very flexable"

WTF! Can someone please translate???? And what is that growing out of his head???

Finally, we have this from "B" 47:

"I PROMISE

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MORE FUN MEETING A REAL NICE GUY SEARCHIN FOR THE REAL THING"

Actually, I think I will have more fun getting a PAP smear. And why is he YELLING at me??????

Holi-Date!

You might recall "E" from the post about the guy who asked me if my picture was real or Photoshop'd ... I told him it was all fake. I guess "E" appreciates a girl with a biting wit, because he asked me if I'd like to meet him for a drink. Since the place he suggested was less than 5 minutes from my house, I figured, why not? (The things I do to entertain my Bitches!!!!).

As I was hobbling to my car (over ice and snow in 18 degree weather), "E" called to tell me he was running late and suggested a new meeting time. I arrived at the place, only to have "E" call as I was walking in to tell me he would be another 10 minutes. So alone I sat, updating my Facebook status (where my loyal supporters told me to forget about this one) until he finally showed up, all apologies (and excuses).

"E" was a nice looking, clean cut guy, but I'm pretty sure he lied about his height buy a few inches. He did most of the talking ... including making fun of the waitress. He looked at me like I was an uncultured hick when I told him I don't much care for Broadway musicals ... but I got the feeling that he's one of those people who goes to see theater, art and music just to say he did, not because he feels passionate about it. I could be wrong though ...

To "E"s credit, he paid for my drink, and even gave me a little gift at the end of the date.

All in all, not a bad time, but a few red flags ... but my InBox was full this morning, so let's see who else is out there, alone and desperate during this magical Holiday season!

Merry Xmas my friends!!!

Momma's Boys

I've noticed another disturbing trend in profile photos ... pictures of guys with their mommies!

If you've followed my blog, you'll recall my issue with men who use photos of themselves with other women as profile pictures. Perhaps meant to show that women like them? So what's the point of the mommy pictures? To show that they're nice to their mothers? Does this make them more credible? Or does it show that they're big sissy momma's boys that will never find a woman who measures up to mommy dearest? As I recall, "S" 44 from my second date made sure to point out a photo of him with his mommy. And if I remember correctly, "S" was a good-looking, child-free guy with, well, nothing else going for him. More research needs to be done in this area ...

Found: Mr. Right!

I think my search has finally ended! Read on:

"hi first i like to say you so pautiful love to talk with you typing very pad couid we meet for coffee or taik py phone please do not afraid to taik py phone asi amvery nice person mohamed 860 729 3140. if nothing more, we could be friends"

I'm sure Mohamed and I will be very happy together, don't miss me too much!

It Just Keeps on Getting Better!

Another heartwarming email from the whiny little bitch "W" 45:

"I guess with you being busy that doesn't leave much if any time to meet some one new and spend some time with, does it? So i'm not sure what to think."

What is wrong with this guy??????? ... I'm writing back to tell him that I think he's a little too needy for my liking ... then I'm blocking his ass.

And a nice pick-me-up from "E" 41 graced my inbox last night ... after I added a new profile picture, he writes:

"in your new photo. How much is real and not photo shop? :)"

Is he kidding?  Where do these losers come from????????? My photo shows a fair-skinned brunette with brown eyes, so I told "E" that it's ALL fake and I'm actually a platinum blonde with blue eyes and a California tan.

If you recently ate, do not, I repeat, DO NOT read the following from "P" 43 who writes ...

"I am looking for the person who will return the 100+% I put into a relationship. Unfortunately I haven't found that person yet. Could it be you? The people I have met want more than they are willing to give. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't always want to be the one to start things like showing affection. I love to cuddle and give little kisses but I like to get them back without having to prompt anyone. If someone don't show mutual affection w/o prompting is it true affection? I know some people are shy, but if your comfortable enough to receive hugs and kisses, shouldn't you be comfortable enough to give them?"

Ech ... disgusting with all that cuddly kissy crap, and an obvious cut & paste generic message he sends out to all the girls that he hopes will take pity on his balding, overweight ass ... BLOCKED!!!!!!!!

Lastly, another amazing match from that HUGE waste of money, eHarmony.com ... if you ever find yourself single and lonely, don't sign up with this site!!!!! The commercials are all lies!!!!!!!!! I spent hours filling out their questionnaire that assured me countless men with tons in common, blah blah blah ... soooooo meet my new match, "J" 47 ... he has two children [greaaaaatttttttt], he's "not much of a reader" [I do love the dumb ones] and one of his top five favorite things in the whole big world is (wait for it ...) spicy brown mustard.

Help me ...

It's Official ...

 ... the gender roles have reversed!

In the past, it was the women who were all whiny and needy, but since I've begun this little project, the only men I seem to encounter are girly little pansies! Take "W" 45 for example ... he's sent me a couple of lame emails over the past couple of weeks ... nothing interesting, and I only responded to be polite. His last email earlier this week was just a bunch of annoying questions that I was too busy to think of clever answers for ... so this morning he hits me with this:

"So I havn't [sic] heard from you in a few days , are you still talking to me?"

For the love of God [wo]man, don't you have anything better to do than sit by your computer waiting for some girl you don't even know to email you back? I think if "W" asks me out on a date, I'll accept, just to see if I'm going to need to hold open the doors for him and help him put his coat on ... or if he'll ask to borrow a tampon ...

But for the sake of amusing all of you, I wrote back and answered his questions and apologized for being busy ... and I get this:

"I guess with you being busy that doesn't leave much if any time to meet some one new and spend some time with, does it? So i'm not sure what to think."

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry loyal followers, but I don't think I can struggle through coffee with this one  ... even for your amusement!

Monday Freakshow

It's a busy day on Match.com ... here are a few highlights:

First we have "B" 44 whose email started off with "Howdy" ... who says "Howdy"?????? I looked at his profile, and learned that almost all of his favorite things are meats, and he's into PDAs ... I'm a vegan and only think PDAs are cute when the couples are 16 or 86 ... he also requested not to be contacted by anyone in rehab or on parole ... interesting. So in answer to "B"s question "How was your weekend?" I replied "It was nice, I had a lovely visit with my parole officer." Wonder if he'll get the joke?

I got kind of an odd message from "M" 48 ... he'd written before and seems like a nice enough person, but I just don't find him attractive at all (I know, mean, but I can't help it!). His last email wasn't worth responding to, so I didn't ... and today I get this: "Last call ...drink'em up" What does that even mean??????

Next we have "D" 38. He winked at me, I read his profile and he seemed normal enough, so I winked back ... and he quickly responded with this little grammatical nightmare "hey there! how are you? hows is match treating you?" His profile page lists his job as "Starting over." Hopefully he's not starting over as an English teacher.

Finally, "J" 46 sent me an email titled "The Sound of One Hand Clapping" ... his message included this: "Is there a place in Middletown to do your Latin Freestyle dancing?" Ack, unpleasant flashbacks to my eHarmony date that wanted a woman to swing dance with. Sorry "J", clapping isn't the only thing that your one hand will be doing tonight!

The Lunch Date from Hell

 I know you're all on the edges of your seats waiting to hear how my date with "J" 42 went! All I can say is UGH!!! "J"s first comment to me was, "Wow, you're skinnier that I thought you'd be ..." Excuse me??? Do I sound chubby on the phone????? He then proceeded to insult my footwear ... which I think we all know is a huge no-no in Lucy Land ... and really, what living, breathing man doesn't appreciate a woman in tall black boots? So I spent the better part of an hour nodding politely as he talked about what a good person he is and how many first dates he's been on ... you'd think he'd have learned by now???? At the end of the date he said he MIGHT call me ... almost as if he'd be doing me a favor ... before I go plant myself next to the phone, I have to share this little doozie with you ... "M" 40 writes:

"Hello There, My name is Mike and I am here to sweep you off your feet! -Got a dustpan?
However, I will need your help with this matter.
Kisses, "M" :-)"

I think if I owned a dustpan I would invite "M" over, just so I could smack him upside the head with it ...

Nothing good can come of this ...

I've been exchanging emails with "J" 42 for a few weeks, and now he's asked to meet me ("Come out an play" were his exact words ...). He seemed like a cool guy from his profile on Match.com ... self-employed, divorced, active, etc. Last night we spoke on the phone to arrange a lunch date for today ... and boy am I sorry I agreed to this!

"J" has a horrible opinion of women. He seemed extremely concerned about my weight (Match asks for your height and type of build, not actual poundage) ... I told him that I'm pretty small, and he fired back with "Normal women are about 5'-3"-5'-4", so you're not small." Um, OK, I guess not ... then he seemed offended that I wouldn't reveal my weight, so I told him I weigh 274 lbs., and I think he actually got a little nervous.

After the weight issue was dead, he moved on to the Predator issue ... seems there are lots of women on Match who, gasp, expect the man to pay for dinner! The nerve of these women! How dare they! I'm sure "J" and his kind think nothing of asking these women to perform all sorts of unnatural sexual acts, but God forbid they fork over a few bucks for a meal. So I take it I'll be buying my own lunch today ...

"J" went on to tell me that he deleted his profile info from Match because he was overwhelmed with winks and emails from potential stalkers, gold diggers and other "dangerous" she wolf types ... over 500 hundred per month!!!! Finally I had to point out to him that Match.com poses very little real threat for men ... after all, how many female serial killers or rapists do you hear about? He's still convinced that danger lurks behind each little wink.

I guess I should have told "J" that I don't think we need to waste time meeting, but let's face it ... I need material for this blog, so I asked him to meet me where I work. He seemed very uncomfortable with the idea (but "J", it's proof that I have a JOB and can afford my own food!!!) and mentioned something about "crapping where you eat" that I didn't really understand ... but reluctantly agreed to meet me in the parking lot.

What do you think he'd say if I "forgot" my purse?

Date #3!

Against my better judgment, I accepted an offer for a date with "E" 46 (The "Sweet Angel" Guy). We'd talked on the phone a couple of times, and despite his sappy profile, he sounded like a decent, hardworking guy ... he's self-employed, has one child and one dog, is about to be divorced and wants to be friends before anything else ...

"E" had told me ahead of time that he wasn't going to make any special effort in his pre-date preparations ... he wanted me to see him at his worst, and he figured if I liked that, I'd really like him dressed up! He didn't disappoint ... he was wearing a baseball cap and gym shoes ... but I still found him to be a pretty attractive specimen and I'm sure he'd clean up very nicely!

The first few minutes were a little uncomfortable ... I zipped my scarf into my boot and "E" has issues with his car lights ... but after that things were fine. "E" was even understanding when I sent my dinner to be remade after it arrived covered in meat ... usually men are embarrassed when I do that, so bonus points for "E".

Our date was cut short when one of "E"s employees called him with an emergency (or was it a set up to rescue him from a bad date? Hmmmmm ... ) but he did ask me if I'd like to go out again, and to my surprise (he has a kid AND a dog after all), I said Yes. If it doesn't work out, there's always this guy:

"P" 43 writes:

u
r
p-retty---------

Ummmm, ok ... why do I find that soooo creepy??????

The Poet

This has been a busy week ... my inbox has been filled with emails from so many wonderful potentials! Here's one that stands out from the rest. "T" 51 has a poem as the intro to his profile ... who doesn't love a sensitive poet?

 "The Swan I watch you in the distance but you don't see me then our eyes meet you smile and look away Your face lovlier then a white orchid blooming body curvy and voluptuous [you got the wrong girl there chief!) under your silky bridal [bridal???? oh no ...] dress You disappear in the sunlight of the shimmering water I cry out your name but you don't here [here???] me dive [why do they all like swimmers????] in the water and swim after you beholding me you spread your wings wrap your neck around mine and pull me into the milky body of your plumage Happily we hold hands and swim away [or more likely, drown]."

What ever happened to real men ... you know, the kind whose poems start with "There once was a girl from Nantucket ..."?????

Ugh ...

OK Bitches, I'll keep this one short and sweet because I'm tired and I want to go to bed ... but during my last email check of the day, I came across "D" 46, who would like to call me ... at least that's what I think he was trying to say ... the grammar was atrocious ... oooh, did I spell that right? ;-)

Anyway, I have three things to say:

1) 2 Kids
2) 1 Dog
3) NASCAR

So obviously there IS a God, it's a male, and for some reason it's punishing me ...

Where Have All the Real Men Gone?

I've gotten a couple of slightly amusing emails from "E" 46, so I finally decided I should take a peek at his profile ... to my horror, here are a few quotes:

"E" starts off with this: "TO MY SWEET ANGEL, I've been searching for you my entire life."

Then why, oh why, is he writing to ME???? Sweet? Angel?????? Help me ...

He goes on to say a bunch more sappy things, like "although we have never met I hold you dear in my heart", "if you are tired, you'll rest your weary head on my shoulders" and my personal fav "when that day comes if you are sad I will dry your tears"

Seriously, when did all the men start acting like the kind of women I love to hate? I feel like if I date one of these guys, our "cycles" will sync up and we'll spend 4 days per month crying at nothing and eating chocolate together ...

Sugar Daddy!

Oooh, lookie what I got today ...  "D" 46 has his very own Beach Bouse that he's looking to share with "Someone Special" ... and that someone could be me! Take a look:

 "You sound like my type of lady. I own a small farm [Farm? What kind of farm? With animals? That he eats? Oh no ....] in Windsor Locks and work in the areospace industry. I am very emotionally and financially secure {See? Sugar Daddy!], but am looking for someone special to help me enjoy life. Money is good, but you can't buy happiness [Evidently, "D" thinks it can buy him company though!]. I have a house on the Outer Banks that I would like to share with someone special"

His profile even includes photos of aforementioned Beach House! I do give "D" credit though, for not mentioning long walks along the beach outside of his Beach House ...

Profile Photos

After reviewing this week's so-called "matches" from eHarmony and Match.com, I'm noticing an interesting trend ... profile photos of these men with other women! In some cases the Photoshop geniuses have attempted to crop her out ... but there's still a telltale curl or polished fingernails visible along the edges. But most times it's clearly a photo of a happy couple! Of course I realize that it could be a sister, friend or even daughter ... but STILL ... if they're trying to portray themselves as single men, this certainly is NOT the way to go about it!

On a more positive note, "J" 43 has sent me an introductory email ... he's pretty cute, but he does have two children ... probably not for me, but his profile pics show him skateboarding (alone, thank you very much!) and he has a handyman business ... so he's fun AND he fixes sh!t ... my kinda guy!

Round 2

Just back from having a drink with "S" 44 who I met on match.com. Oddly, I can't really come up with anything bad to say about him ... he was actually better looking than his photo, and tall too!

That said, I'm pretty certain he'll not contact me again ... but if nothing else, "S" gives me hope that there still are a few single, attractive, child-free men left in the world.

Why look what just came in ... a response to the thank-you email I sent "S" after our date:

"I also raelly [sic] enjoyed talking to you as you seem to be a nice sensible mature woman."

Mature? Oh no, he did not!

Where Have All the Real Men Gone?

Got a nice invite to dinner & drinks from "S" 36 ... so I figured I should check out his profile ... here's a little taste:

"Nothing relieves the stress of the day like a child's smile or laughter."


OK "S", pull down your skirt, your hoo-ha is showing!

;-) ;-) (Wink Wink)

Evidently I am not meeting my "wink" quota with match.com, because they've seen fit to wink at someone for me! Meet "M" 48 whose profile pic features him in a brightly colored sports logo sweatshirt ... my kinda guy!

Here's the exchange:

M: Hello how r u?

LL: [saw sweatshirt, chose to ignore]

M:  Hi, thanks for the wink. [Um, I didn't f-ing wink at you...] How was your day? I liked your profile, you sound like you have a great sense of humor, which I love. What do you like to do in your free time? Do you like camping, long walks [why do they all want to walk? It's 2009, we do have cars now], outdoor activities?

LL: [trying to throw him off my bra strap] Oooh, I'm kind of an indoor girl ... my idea of roughing it is a 3 star hotel ;-) [there, NOW I winked...]

M: That's ok I would prefer that too, lol! Would like to talk more if interested?

LL: [um, no ...]

Interesting, with one sentence I have already molded "M" to my way! Waaaay too easy ... next???!!

I've Discoved the Block Button

Oh my goodness there are some truly disturbed people in the world, and I have had the misfortune of dealing with several of them.

Take for example, "y" 40 ... he doesn't like girls who wear makeup ... and gee whiz, I happen to f-ing LOVE makeup ... so I ignored his little wink. In Match land, ignoring a wink only makes them try harder ... so he emailed me the question "What is a Yogi" ... um, you're on a computer idiot, Goolgle it! So again, I ignored him ... so he wrote me back THIS:

 "Hi. You forgot to email me back. You should have been doing flips and kartwheels at your computer station when I emailed you. Seriously."

Is this fool serious? I "Forgot"?? Flips? He doesn't even know how to spell cartwheels! Moron ... so I blocked his ass and went and touched up my nail polish and applied a second coat of mascara.

Next victim was "D" 53 ... the first problem is the 53 ... I don't want to be changing his Depends in a couple of years. The second problem is that he lives over an hour away from me ... and I hate driving 2 miles to the grocery store. And his profile was all kinds of intellectual bullshit ... obviously not my style! So I politely told him no thanks, and I get THIS:



"63 miles is too far?? C'mon, L, that's barely an hour away--and I drive quick  {um, I don't, and my car barely gets 16 mpg on a good day}.  Don't tell me that mere miles are going to be the determining factor in your search for everlastin'  {WTF?}  happiness... because I wouldn't believe it even if you did. As for my supposedly superior intelligence, you can relax--I simply have a way with words, and it's always been a hobby of mine to mix 'em up in certain orders, even if the results are pleasing only to me. I'm actually no smarter than the next guy, depending on who the next guy in line is. (On the other hand, I'm not a dolt,  {um, wanna bet?!}  either--just regular folks. And I don't talk anything like I write...)   
    So, unless you're just blowing smoke at me in the attempt to be nice,  {ding ding ding!}  why not instead consider meeting me in, say, Mystic, for a drink? {so I can drive home for an hour, while drunk?} Even if I'm not the answer to your search here (which I admit I'm probably not),  {again, ding ding ding!}  I can pretty much guarantee that an hour or so in my company isn't the worst thing you could endure.  {Well....}  Why, taken in small doses, I can be almost charming. And the last thing I'd bet I'd be in your company is bored...
    So what do you think? The pub at the Daniel Packer some evening soon?"

Um yeah, NO, you pushy motherf-er you ... BLOCKED!!!!!!

Finally, I canceled my coffee date with "D" 45 ... he asked me if I was "firm" on my stance on no children ... seems he wants them badly, even though he thinks we have potential (really? after 3 emails? REALLY????). So what, we can date for a year and I can be all in love with him and he can dump me for someone who still has some good reproductive years left?? ... yeah, I don't think so!

Maybe being single is not the worst thing in the world?

Full Time Job!

There are not nearly enough hours in the day to keep up with all of these winks and emails! I may have to quit my job and devote my days to the quest for a Good Man! My boss might miss me though ... I think he kind of likes to hear my stories ... speaking of which, here's the update, short version of course!

"D" 43 thinks I'm beautiful and adorable (adorable????) and has invited me to go for a ride in his powered parachute. I researched powered parachutes a little, and there doesn't seem to be any way he could attempt any "mile high" action, so maybe I'll be brave and give it a try. I suppose if things go badly, I can always jump ...

"R" 45 ... I have agreed to meet "R" for coffee the day after tomorrow. He seems like a nice guy, but he was awfully eager to meet right away rather than get to know each other over email ... perhaps he's right. We can waste hours talking and typing, but bottom line is, there has to be something there, and you can't see it over the computer.

"R" 48 has already invited me to visit him in the desert ... after about 5 email exchanges. Maybe he likes to lure women out there and bury the bodies where no one will ever find them? That would be just my luck!

"J" 42 is a bit put off by my lack of interest in boats ... but he has stepped up and offered to teach me to swim. OR maybe he just wants to see my ass in a bathing suit? And like the desert, the ocean is a fabulous place to dump a body! Hmmmmm ....

New to the scene is "D" 53 ... I feel bad about "D" because after I ignored his "wink" he decided to email me anyway. How can I tell him that I think he's just too old for me without hurting his feelings?  I mean, how sad is this: "I admit to sending an entry-level wink, which apparently wasn't so well received; would an actual note meet a better fate? That's assuming, of course, that you can put aside the fact of these few extra measly years I'm saddled with..."  Suggestions?????

As I'm typing this post, another email popped up in my inbox ... ack! I guess I should go see who awaits me now...

So Many Mens, So Little Time!

Just 2 days on Match.com, and I have more boys winking at me and emailing me than I know what to do with! I think I'm going to need to prepare a spreadsheet to keep track of these boys ... so far I have 3 favorites:

"D" 43 may be willing to teach me how to fly a plane, so he's high up on my list, followed closely by 2 boys who are both called "Rick" ... normally I don't like to spell out full names, but the Lucy & Ricky thing is too funny to let go by without a mention.

Oh my, as I'm typing this post, a new dude is emailing for me ... this is so great for the ego!!!!!!

Movin' On ...

 Since eHarmony can't seem to match me with anyone under 50 in my same area code, I've decided to widen my search ... I signed myself up for a 3 month membership to Match.com. My profile has been up for only one day, and I already have 17 men winking at me, 9 emails and 5 interested parties! Out of all these potentials, I found 2 to be attractive and 3 seemed like they'd be nice to have as guy friends. So I wrote back to them and we'll see what happens! As for the rest, well, here's what we're dealing with:

"A" 40 said: I love the simple things in life and I am very easy to get along with. From a child's smile to a dog wagging's it's tail and greeting you at the door when you come home. I also like to give flowers for no reason at all and a nice walk on the beach is always a very nice thing.

Ummm, a child's smile? a dog's wagging tail?????? You've got to be friggin' kidding me.

Here's another:

"D" 43 said: Hello Beautiful......D :)

Nice, but hello, did "D" even read the profile that took me so long to perfect? Especially the part where I stated that I'd like to be friends first and see what develops???????

This is gonna be fun Bitches ... stay tuned!

It's All in the Screen Name

After an evening out at a concert where all the men my age were either hideously fat or already taken, I was pleased to find a note in my InBox that my Planet Earth Singles profile had been viewed and someone had sent me a Private Message! Excitedly I logged in, only to discover that the name of my admirer is "wishbone" ... umm, hello, if you wish to bone me, can we maybe have coffee first or something???? But aside from the name, wishbone seems like quite the charmer ... He's already throwing the L Word out there!!!! Here's a little quote:

"You profile is so simple but very interesting, do you believe in love? if you do let's make it happen."

Ummmm, yeah.

Perhaps I'll have some luck tonight when I hit the party scene in my vampire costume ... Mr. Right will see the bar lights shine off of my silver fangs and he won't know what hit him ... oh wait, what hit him will be ME after he tries to grab my newly toned ass (thanks Baywatch Babe!)!!!

Have a great Halloween Bitches!

And PS ... that bikini trimmer thing is life changing ... I highly recommend it for all my Italian sisters out there!

New Toy!

Not THAT kind of toy, minds out of the gutter ... but now that i'm thinking about it ... hmmmmm.

Lately there hasn't been any eHarmony activity to report, with the exception of "J" 52 who drives a dump truck and wants to see more pics of me. Yeah, I'll get right on uploading those ...

But ever the optimist, I paid a visit to the Walgreens and hooked myself up with the Schick Quattro for Women Trim Style! It claims to safely not only shave but trim the bikini area. The commercial depicted an unruly shrub (or "bush" if you will) that magically transformed into a neat little triangle ... being 100% Italian, this device is a Godsend! I can't wait to try it ... and I'll let you know how it goes ... but sorry "J" 52, I won't be including pics.

No More Ms. Nice Girl

Eeeew, I was just "nudged"!!!! WTF, you may wonder, is "nudged"??? In the eHarmony world, if someone asks you to answer their questions and you don't do it in a timely fashion, they can send you a little "nudge" to get your ass in gear. I have to wonder about the type of person that would send someone a "nudge" ... in this case, "C" 50. Clearly "C" has a pretty high opinion of himself ... it probably never even for one second crossed his mind that perhaps I saw his request for contact, took one look at his photo and profile, decided he was not worth my time, and ignored him ... nooooo, I probably just forgot and needed a, you guessed it, little nudge!

I guess I have to quit being so nice and polite ... instead of merely ignoring matches that don't appeal to me, I need to start closing them right away before any contact can occur ...

Oh, Shot DOWN!

I just got myself a "Dear Jane" letter from "T" 46 ... he just doesn't feel we have enough in common for a "LTR" (I guess online dating has its own list of abbreviations I'll need to familiarize myself with). He's looking for a gal to swim with in the summer and dance with in the winter ... and sadly, I sink like a stone and am about as coordinated as a bowl of oatmeal, and most importantly, I'm not covered by a healthcare plan (c'mon Obama, I'm waitin'!!!) ...

I will not let the fact that I was rejected by a person who wearing running shoes on a date deter me ... I'm looking forward to the next list of potentials eHarmony sends my way!

Um, I'm Back Already ...

Well, "T" 46 put up with me for exactly one hour (to the minute!) ... during which time he kind of stared at me with a strange expression on his face ... maybe he was distracted by the giant zit that appeared on my cheek right before I left to meet him???

To T's credit, he looked exactly like his photos ... not half bad, but in need of a little dose of Queer Eye for sure. The clothes would have been suitable for a man 15 years older ... and I'm sorry, but I don't think it's OK to wear running shoes on a date ... unless you're actually going running ... which if you're dating me, you won't be doing. And he's really into dancing ... swing and salsa to be exact. He actually suggested that I give it a try ... even after I told him about my unbelievable lack of coordination ... perhaps T enjoys watching women fall down?

A few things bothered me about T's manners ... when I got to the coffee place, T aready had coffee in hand, because the place was closing and he didn't want to miss out. And he didn't once open a door for me ... but to his credit, he did pay for my drink and he seemed concerned about me walking home alone in the dark.

But the worst thing was when, right in the middle of our conversation, he announced that he was ready to go home ... and off he went ... Oooh, I'll bet he rocks those running shoes so he can make a quick getaway ...

All in all, not a terrible hour ... but I don't think T and I will be "swinging" together any time soon.

Ack!

OMG, so tonight I have a date with "T" 46!!!!! He called me yesterday, and he actually sounds pretty tolerable, so I  agreed to meet him for coffee. Stay tuned for the 'deets' ...

I checked out my tree hugger singles page this morning ... man, there are some creepy-looking dudes checkin' me out and a few have written me odd notes ... here's a little quote for you:

"You have great balance to snow board and to windsurf.
I like that you are romantic and love the small things
like a daily phone call to say hello. That means alot
in a good relationship."

WTF is even talking about? A daily phone call? Really? Like I won't get sick of your ass calling me??? Snow boarding (um, that takes place in frigid snow) and windsurfing (I can't even f-ing swim!). Obviously this guy has been doing far too many wheatgrass shots or something ...

OK bitches, wish me luck!

E-nough

Unsatisfied with the choices on eHarmony.com and still waiting patiently by the phone for "T" 46 to call me, I've decided to widen my search.

Since it's hard for a vegan to find an understanding partner in this meat-obsessed culture, I decided to try a dating service created just for vegetarians (veggiesingles.com). This site came recommended by a friend who'd tried it ... he told me the moving story of a date with a woman he met on the site. He took her out for a nice dinner, and she ordered a big slab of beef! ... seems she was only on the veggie site because she thought the men would be nicer. I can see her reasoning, and I have to say that the few guys I know that are vegetarians ARE very kind, sensitive and respectful. So with a renewed optimism, I added my profile to the Plant Earth Singles area of the site. Like at eHarmony.com, there were pages and pages of questions about everything from height and weight to the types of sexual acts I'd be willing to perform ... the Veggies really like to know everything about their members! Unlike eHarmony.com, there is no cost to participate, unless I want to use IM or send messages to other members (I can however, respond to messages sent to me).

My profile has been up for about an hour, and five members have checked me out already ... a few live halfway across the country but one lives just 20 miles away. I checked him out ... he's a 50 year old poet and looks pretty attractive (except for the kid and not one, but two cats), but he didn't send me a "Hello" so to hell with him ... perhaps he didn't like the low rating I gave to "Anal"?????

It's On!

Saturday morning, when everyone else in the world is spending this beautiful fall day with their significant other doing romantic things, I'm sitting here on my computer sorting through a list of too-old men that live far far away from me. There's one new possibility though ... "G" 40 actually lives in the same area code as I do, and he's a mechanic! Hmmm ... I have an American car that always needs a little special attention ... this could work. I sent him some introductory questions to see if and how he responds ... he's not too tall though, so I won't hold my breath ... and I have to wonder, if the profile says 5'8", is that with or without those big, greasy mechanic shoes on?

"T" 46 made a bold move and asked for my number! I gave him the cell, just in case he's a serial killer. That would be just my luck ... but I imagine that if a was ever to be taken, I would annoy the sh!t out of my captor and he'd drop me right back off where he found me so he could have some peace and quiet!

OK, off I go to wait for the phone to ring!

Long Distance Relationships

I opened up my inbox today and was greeted with a new list of 7 matches! I excitedly scrolled through them, only to discover that almost all of them live 2-3 states away from me! I mean. it's New England so the states aren't huge ... but still! The one guy who was somewhat local (a 2 hour drive) was into driving around in his convertible ...Sorry, I'm an air-conditioning girl!!!!! And again with the sports car ...  we might have that "over compensation" issue again ... I really don't need that!!!

I got a new list of questions from "T" 46 ... but I realized that although his profile states that he wants No Kids, evidently he has some ... drat! I was polite enough to answer his questions though, so he now knows my favorite kinds of music (if he likes Neil Diamond, we'll have a problem here) and an interest I'd like to share with a partner. Maybe the kids are in their 20s???????

Finally, I learned today that men do still find me attractive ... well, maybe I should rephrase that: Males find me attractive. The cutest little blue-eyed kindergarten kid was winking and waving at me this morning .. see,  I still got it, bitches!!!!!

Shot Down Again ... boo freakin' hoo ...

Today I received another notice that a potential match, "J" 43, had closed communication with me. Since I'm always up for a good blow to the self-esteem, I checked the reason ... seems he didn't like some of the statements in my profile. OK, seems fair ... I can be a little blunt at times. But just for giggles, I clicked on J's profile picture ... you have to be kidding me! Standing there was a greasy-looking guy (who looked quite a bit older than 43) with a John Travolta circa Saturday Night Fever 'do and a pair of full on, high-waisted mom jeans ... really ... mom jeans. On a guy. That some computer program thinks is a match for me. And to top it off, J was leaning against some type of small foreign sports car, which leaves little doubt in my mind that those mom jeans are covering up, well, not very much!

I Need Be More Flexible ...

It's been a few days since I posted my eHarmony profile, I'm getting a little more familiar with this online dating stuff ... I noticed that all of my eHarmony matches so far are "Flexible" matches. What, you ask, are Flexible Matches? A "Flexible Match" means that after I handed over my $44.95 and answered their 3,428 questions, they can only find me men who have "some" of the qualities I desire ... read: You're gonna have to date a chubby (I'm being kind here), 50+ man with kids. The commercial did't say anything about Flexible Matches ... (and ps ... those men in the commercial are much less creepy-looking than the actual men on the site). If I wanted only "some" of the qualities I desire, I could cruise down to the local bar and start randomly handing out my number to dudes ... for FREE!!!!!!

One of my first matches, "H" 50 from New York, "Closed" our communication today due to the distance between us ... alas, I thought we had gotten so close over these few days!!!!!

But on a bright-ish note, "T" 46 sent me his Must Haves and Can't Stands ... and it seems he does not find cheating to be appropriate, enjoys learning new things, and likes his life to be organized. Tag, I'm it, so I sent him back a few questions ... "T" and I are nearing Stage 4 of our introductory communication process, I'm positively giddy with anticipation!

Took the Plunge

I just forked over $45 to eHarmony ... now I'll be able to "communicate" with all of my "matches" ... how excited am I? Now I'm up to a baker's dozen of potentials ... so many boys, so little time! I see that two possibilities have already nixed me, one has found someone else (that bitch!) and another gave the reason "other" ... other what??????... but I won't let this dampen my spirits. Remember people, I'm not a quitter!!

I responded to requests for communications from two guys: First there's "T" who is 46 and has no kids. He asked me questions about my interest in travel and food. I'm sure my telling him I'm a vegan will be a real turn-on for him ... it is to so many men! I considered not mentioning it, but why waste time? I also got a list of questions from "B" who is 40. He also asked about travel and food and was also interested in how often I laugh ... I wonder, someday will I be laughing with B ... or at him? Time will tell.

While I'm waiting for my chance to meet one of these hotties in person, I decided a little extra shaping up couldn't hurt my middle-aged butt, so I surfed over to Exercise TV and put on the Baywatch workout ... it was lead by a perky blonde (in a red bathing suit, of course) whose first instruction was "Get in doggie-style position!" I was intrigued! She also suggested that the buttock raises could be performed with a partner (um, eeeeew) and that if I did the painful thigh squeezes, I could wear a mini skirt this very night! Luckily, I didn't believe her.

eeeeeHarmony

I've just spent the better part of an hour creating my profile on the dating website eHarmony.com. I chose eHarmony because the people on the commercials all look so happy and in love, and they are not actors, they are Real Couples ... it says so in the corner of the screen.

The majority of my time was spent answering hundreds of questions about the type of partner I'm looking for, my personality traits, my lifestyle and all kinds of other crap. But I was rewarded at the end with six, count 'em, six men who might be good matches for me! Yay!!!!!!! I excitedly scrolled through my list of potentials, but I was only allowed to see their written profile. (To see photos I'll have to cough up anywhere from $150 for three months to close to $300 for the entire year). My excitement quickly turned to disappointment when I learned that three of the men were over 50, four had kids, two lived in other states, and one was a perv (not that pervs are bad, but geeeez, save it until we know each other a little better!).

I opted to not pay the membership fee and went shoe shopping instead ...

Welcome!

My name is Lucy Love (well, not really, but you should call me that) and I've decided that the time has come for me to find myself a Good Man. Doesn't sound too difficult, right? Men are everywhere, just look around you ... the grocery stores, the bars, the laundry mats, the adult ed classes, hiking, biking, match.com ... man after amazing man, just there for my taking.

Well bitches, think again ... you see, I'm 40 years old. That's 5 years over the age at which women become invisible to men, and studies say I'll have a better chance at getting struck by lightening than finding a husband. Not very encouraging words ... but although I've been called many, MANY things, I've never been called a quitter ... so here I go!

I guess I should start by telling you what I'm looking for in a Good Man (hey, you might know someone, right?).

First and foremost, he needs to be single. I'm sick and tired of hearing, "I'd love to take you to dinner sometime ... how about a great little place I know of that's just a few hundred miles south of here." Wow, what better way to make a girl feel special! And if he tells me "She's not my girlfriend." I certainly won't believe it.

I'm also not a fan of baggage. I've never wanted to have kids of my own, so I REALLY don't want  to hang out with someone else's. My idea of a fun night out with my Good Man doesn't include Chucky Cheese and a G-rated movie, and my dream vacation is not hopping in the minivan and heading down to 6 Flags (did I mention I won't ride in a minivan?).

I've also decided that my Good Man needs to be at least as old as I am. Let's face facts here, Cougar Town or not, men want their girlfriends to be younger than they are. I'm thinking the 40-48 range ... I don't want to have to deal with Depends and Polydent just yet, my time will come soon enough.

My Good Man also needs to be tall. Aside from the obvious Napoleon complex issues that most short men have, I'm a tall girl and I like my high heels. I don't want him to have to stand up on a crate so we look good in photos ... have you forgotten Tom and Katie's wedding? Ridiculous.

I'd also like my Good Man to be somewhat physically fit. When it's time for the sex (I know, I'm being very optimistic here) I don't want to see a naked fleshy blob jiggling toward me. It's so not hot, and I refuse the pretend that I think it is just for the sake of gettin' a little. Speaking of little, that's an issue we'll save for another time.

My Good Man should not be a cheap-ass. I refuse to shop (or even drive by, if I can help it) anywhere with "mart", "chopper", "rite" or "price" over the door, and I don't intend to start now. I remember the story of a family friend whose husband used to stand in the produce area of the grocery store  and pick the stems off the cherries so he didn't have to pay for them ... can you imagine?

I'm also not a fan of pets (especially dogs), sports, drinkers, smokers, slobs and lots (and LOTS) of other things that I'm sure we'll discover as I move along this path.

I'm glad you've decided to join me ... I have a funny feeling that I'll need all the support I can get!