Happy New Year (Well, maybe for you it is ...)

Here I am on the last day of 2009, just 2 days shy of my 41st birthday, with a full inbox ... but no date for New Year's Eve!

I think my favorite suitor of the day would have to be "R"43. As you can see, "R" made sure to include a profile pic of himself and ... you guessed it, a woman! Yay!

His email to me was this:

"Hello gorgeous! I would like to get to know you. Whats your name?"

Wow "R", that's deep. So I checked out his profile. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"I'm looking for a slender [see, he's VERY deep!!!], classy/sexy woman, who likes to go out on nice dates for dinner, drinks, and dancing [ech ...]. I have nice clothes [that purple shirt proves it]  and I like to get dressed up when I go out."

"I love my red truck" [I think a 4 year old told me that very same thing last week!]

"I like to see all the hot new items at the mall and Home Depot."

I bet the broad in the photo told him to include this part:

"I like to go for long walks on the beach. I like art museums and theater. I like to see the sun rise and set. I like to go for bicycle and motorcycle rides. Fairs."

And just to make sure potential "LTR" candidates can see how cool and athletic "R" is, he included these:

My my, very impressive ... I wonder which stock image site he illegally copied those from.

Because I'm feeling a little feisty this morning, I emailed "R" back ... and asked him why on earth he would be on a dating site and have a profile photo of himself with another woman. I can't wait to read his response ... I'm slightly giddy with anticipation!!!!!

Opinions Needed

At the beginning of my quest, I exchanged several emails with "R" 45 ... we even went so far as to arrange a meeting. On the day of the meeting, "R" emailed me and asked me if I'd consider changing my "never having children" policy ... I told him "no way in hell" and canceled the date.

So today I get this:

"Remember me?

When we last emailed, I was looking to start a family and thought fatherhood was what I wanted. My search had been, well before we started to message, an exhausting task.

After a lot of careful consideration, my hope is to find someone who I don't want to be without. There are many ways I can satisfy my need to give love to children, big brother for example.

I thought I'd drop a note and say hello."

So I'm putting this question out to you, my loyal followers: Should I believe what "R" says about no longer needing to father his own child, or should I run, not walk away from a guy who will say anything to get laid in the New Year?

This one is in YOUR hands ...

Monday's Horrors

It's a busy day here in dating hell ... I guess no one wants to be alone for New Year's, but after dealing with some of these losers, I think perhaps I'll be fine! Read on ...

"D" 36 writes:

"sexy

do u play with younger men?:)"

Wow, right to the point there "D" ... um, not when their profile photo is a dude wearing a visor. Lame ...

I have also sparked the interest of "H" 47 ... so I took a peek at his profile, where among pictures of him and his camper, I came across this little gem:

"not to big on going out all time vacation in maine sometimes always wanted to go too florida havent yet enjoy gonig out to eat chinese or wherever makes someone happy very flexable"

WTF! Can someone please translate???? And what is that growing out of his head???

Finally, we have this from "B" 47:

"I PROMISE

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MORE FUN MEETING A REAL NICE GUY SEARCHIN FOR THE REAL THING"

Actually, I think I will have more fun getting a PAP smear. And why is he YELLING at me??????

Holi-Date!

You might recall "E" from the post about the guy who asked me if my picture was real or Photoshop'd ... I told him it was all fake. I guess "E" appreciates a girl with a biting wit, because he asked me if I'd like to meet him for a drink. Since the place he suggested was less than 5 minutes from my house, I figured, why not? (The things I do to entertain my Bitches!!!!).

As I was hobbling to my car (over ice and snow in 18 degree weather), "E" called to tell me he was running late and suggested a new meeting time. I arrived at the place, only to have "E" call as I was walking in to tell me he would be another 10 minutes. So alone I sat, updating my Facebook status (where my loyal supporters told me to forget about this one) until he finally showed up, all apologies (and excuses).

"E" was a nice looking, clean cut guy, but I'm pretty sure he lied about his height buy a few inches. He did most of the talking ... including making fun of the waitress. He looked at me like I was an uncultured hick when I told him I don't much care for Broadway musicals ... but I got the feeling that he's one of those people who goes to see theater, art and music just to say he did, not because he feels passionate about it. I could be wrong though ...

To "E"s credit, he paid for my drink, and even gave me a little gift at the end of the date.

All in all, not a bad time, but a few red flags ... but my InBox was full this morning, so let's see who else is out there, alone and desperate during this magical Holiday season!

Merry Xmas my friends!!!

Momma's Boys

I've noticed another disturbing trend in profile photos ... pictures of guys with their mommies!

If you've followed my blog, you'll recall my issue with men who use photos of themselves with other women as profile pictures. Perhaps meant to show that women like them? So what's the point of the mommy pictures? To show that they're nice to their mothers? Does this make them more credible? Or does it show that they're big sissy momma's boys that will never find a woman who measures up to mommy dearest? As I recall, "S" 44 from my second date made sure to point out a photo of him with his mommy. And if I remember correctly, "S" was a good-looking, child-free guy with, well, nothing else going for him. More research needs to be done in this area ...

Found: Mr. Right!

I think my search has finally ended! Read on:

"hi first i like to say you so pautiful love to talk with you typing very pad couid we meet for coffee or taik py phone please do not afraid to taik py phone asi amvery nice person mohamed 860 729 3140. if nothing more, we could be friends"

I'm sure Mohamed and I will be very happy together, don't miss me too much!

It Just Keeps on Getting Better!

Another heartwarming email from the whiny little bitch "W" 45:

"I guess with you being busy that doesn't leave much if any time to meet some one new and spend some time with, does it? So i'm not sure what to think."

What is wrong with this guy??????? ... I'm writing back to tell him that I think he's a little too needy for my liking ... then I'm blocking his ass.

And a nice pick-me-up from "E" 41 graced my inbox last night ... after I added a new profile picture, he writes:

"in your new photo. How much is real and not photo shop? :)"

Is he kidding?  Where do these losers come from????????? My photo shows a fair-skinned brunette with brown eyes, so I told "E" that it's ALL fake and I'm actually a platinum blonde with blue eyes and a California tan.

If you recently ate, do not, I repeat, DO NOT read the following from "P" 43 who writes ...

"I am looking for the person who will return the 100+% I put into a relationship. Unfortunately I haven't found that person yet. Could it be you? The people I have met want more than they are willing to give. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't always want to be the one to start things like showing affection. I love to cuddle and give little kisses but I like to get them back without having to prompt anyone. If someone don't show mutual affection w/o prompting is it true affection? I know some people are shy, but if your comfortable enough to receive hugs and kisses, shouldn't you be comfortable enough to give them?"

Ech ... disgusting with all that cuddly kissy crap, and an obvious cut & paste generic message he sends out to all the girls that he hopes will take pity on his balding, overweight ass ... BLOCKED!!!!!!!!

Lastly, another amazing match from that HUGE waste of money, eHarmony.com ... if you ever find yourself single and lonely, don't sign up with this site!!!!! The commercials are all lies!!!!!!!!! I spent hours filling out their questionnaire that assured me countless men with tons in common, blah blah blah ... soooooo meet my new match, "J" 47 ... he has two children [greaaaaatttttttt], he's "not much of a reader" [I do love the dumb ones] and one of his top five favorite things in the whole big world is (wait for it ...) spicy brown mustard.

Help me ...

It's Official ...

 ... the gender roles have reversed!

In the past, it was the women who were all whiny and needy, but since I've begun this little project, the only men I seem to encounter are girly little pansies! Take "W" 45 for example ... he's sent me a couple of lame emails over the past couple of weeks ... nothing interesting, and I only responded to be polite. His last email earlier this week was just a bunch of annoying questions that I was too busy to think of clever answers for ... so this morning he hits me with this:

"So I havn't [sic] heard from you in a few days , are you still talking to me?"

For the love of God [wo]man, don't you have anything better to do than sit by your computer waiting for some girl you don't even know to email you back? I think if "W" asks me out on a date, I'll accept, just to see if I'm going to need to hold open the doors for him and help him put his coat on ... or if he'll ask to borrow a tampon ...

But for the sake of amusing all of you, I wrote back and answered his questions and apologized for being busy ... and I get this:

"I guess with you being busy that doesn't leave much if any time to meet some one new and spend some time with, does it? So i'm not sure what to think."

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry loyal followers, but I don't think I can struggle through coffee with this one  ... even for your amusement!

Monday Freakshow

It's a busy day on Match.com ... here are a few highlights:

First we have "B" 44 whose email started off with "Howdy" ... who says "Howdy"?????? I looked at his profile, and learned that almost all of his favorite things are meats, and he's into PDAs ... I'm a vegan and only think PDAs are cute when the couples are 16 or 86 ... he also requested not to be contacted by anyone in rehab or on parole ... interesting. So in answer to "B"s question "How was your weekend?" I replied "It was nice, I had a lovely visit with my parole officer." Wonder if he'll get the joke?

I got kind of an odd message from "M" 48 ... he'd written before and seems like a nice enough person, but I just don't find him attractive at all (I know, mean, but I can't help it!). His last email wasn't worth responding to, so I didn't ... and today I get this: "Last call ...drink'em up" What does that even mean??????

Next we have "D" 38. He winked at me, I read his profile and he seemed normal enough, so I winked back ... and he quickly responded with this little grammatical nightmare "hey there! how are you? hows is match treating you?" His profile page lists his job as "Starting over." Hopefully he's not starting over as an English teacher.

Finally, "J" 46 sent me an email titled "The Sound of One Hand Clapping" ... his message included this: "Is there a place in Middletown to do your Latin Freestyle dancing?" Ack, unpleasant flashbacks to my eHarmony date that wanted a woman to swing dance with. Sorry "J", clapping isn't the only thing that your one hand will be doing tonight!

The Lunch Date from Hell

 I know you're all on the edges of your seats waiting to hear how my date with "J" 42 went! All I can say is UGH!!! "J"s first comment to me was, "Wow, you're skinnier that I thought you'd be ..." Excuse me??? Do I sound chubby on the phone????? He then proceeded to insult my footwear ... which I think we all know is a huge no-no in Lucy Land ... and really, what living, breathing man doesn't appreciate a woman in tall black boots? So I spent the better part of an hour nodding politely as he talked about what a good person he is and how many first dates he's been on ... you'd think he'd have learned by now???? At the end of the date he said he MIGHT call me ... almost as if he'd be doing me a favor ... before I go plant myself next to the phone, I have to share this little doozie with you ... "M" 40 writes:

"Hello There, My name is Mike and I am here to sweep you off your feet! -Got a dustpan?
However, I will need your help with this matter.
Kisses, "M" :-)"

I think if I owned a dustpan I would invite "M" over, just so I could smack him upside the head with it ...

Nothing good can come of this ...

I've been exchanging emails with "J" 42 for a few weeks, and now he's asked to meet me ("Come out an play" were his exact words ...). He seemed like a cool guy from his profile on Match.com ... self-employed, divorced, active, etc. Last night we spoke on the phone to arrange a lunch date for today ... and boy am I sorry I agreed to this!

"J" has a horrible opinion of women. He seemed extremely concerned about my weight (Match asks for your height and type of build, not actual poundage) ... I told him that I'm pretty small, and he fired back with "Normal women are about 5'-3"-5'-4", so you're not small." Um, OK, I guess not ... then he seemed offended that I wouldn't reveal my weight, so I told him I weigh 274 lbs., and I think he actually got a little nervous.

After the weight issue was dead, he moved on to the Predator issue ... seems there are lots of women on Match who, gasp, expect the man to pay for dinner! The nerve of these women! How dare they! I'm sure "J" and his kind think nothing of asking these women to perform all sorts of unnatural sexual acts, but God forbid they fork over a few bucks for a meal. So I take it I'll be buying my own lunch today ...

"J" went on to tell me that he deleted his profile info from Match because he was overwhelmed with winks and emails from potential stalkers, gold diggers and other "dangerous" she wolf types ... over 500 hundred per month!!!! Finally I had to point out to him that Match.com poses very little real threat for men ... after all, how many female serial killers or rapists do you hear about? He's still convinced that danger lurks behind each little wink.

I guess I should have told "J" that I don't think we need to waste time meeting, but let's face it ... I need material for this blog, so I asked him to meet me where I work. He seemed very uncomfortable with the idea (but "J", it's proof that I have a JOB and can afford my own food!!!) and mentioned something about "crapping where you eat" that I didn't really understand ... but reluctantly agreed to meet me in the parking lot.

What do you think he'd say if I "forgot" my purse?